This episode: Steve Gallagher urges us to make sure we possess the character qualities that every true citizen of God's Kingdom has.
Rediscovering Repentance Ep. 10: When God offers us the gift of repentance, neglecting it is very dangerous. We must receive it immediately.
Absolute Surrender: One of the greatest needs we have as believers is to understand our continual need for the Holy Spirit's power.
This week, Dustin Renz teaches us about God’s character as he examines the way God dealt with Nineveh, as recorded in Nahum 1.
A prideful man is primarily concerned with protecting himself and exalting himself.
People who are sincerely seeking freedom from sexual sin usually have a vague idea that there is something under the surface that needs to be dealt with. This is true, but they are usually very surprised when they find out what it is. In a recent series of shows, we asked the question, “What does that have to do with my problem?” And all the issues we touched on in those episodes – self-righteousness, self-pity, obsession with success – all of them flow out of a thriving self-life. In this week’s show, we look at another key feature of the self-life: pride, and how it really is another hidden fuel of sexual sin.
The only genuine proof of our holiness is how humble we are before God and man.
A humble character and heart are really at the core of what it means to be holy, as Jeff Colón helps us see in this week’s blog.
Mike: I want to talk today about a word that we may not naturally equate with humility and that is holiness. We of course read a lot about holiness; we read that God Himself is holy, and we are commanded to be holy as He is holy. So, let's start off with this question. What can we look at in our own lives and see as genuine proof that we have some understanding of what holiness really is?
Jeff: For a lot of us, we think of holiness in more of an outward sense of looking a certain way or acting a certain way. When we do that, we make the mistake of not understanding what true biblical holiness looks like. The only genuine proof of our holiness is how humble we are before God and before man. It makes me think of Hebrews 12:14, where we are told to live in peace with everyone and to seek to live a clean and a holy life because those who are not holy will not see the Lord. What we see there is that holiness is an issue of the heart. In order to be holy, we need to be living in harmony and peace. You cannot do that if you are not walking in a humble heart before God and man.
Mike: One of the traps when trying to walk in holiness is when we try to do it in our own strength. I find this impossible to do because it doesn't come naturally to us. And so really, we're talking about an aspect of walking in the Spirit, right?
Jeff: Absolutely, and that means surrendering ourselves to the Lord and allowing the Holy Spirit to reign in our hearts and in our lives. It’s just yielding to what God has already provided us with through His Spirit
Mike: I know in another interview, we talked about the need to wait on God. And in that discussion, we talked about the necessity of depending on the strength of the arm of God rather than our own strength. I think one of the reasons that is so important is because if we are trying to achieve holiness in our own strength, we are going to end up becoming like a pharisee.
Jeff: Exactly, because then we will pride ourselves on how holy we are. But when you are trying to live out holiness with the idea that your inside world and your heart must be humble before God you won’t be able to avoid seeing how much pride you have and your need to humble yourself. I know in my life it drives me to the Lord and helps me see my need for Him. When I come to that place, then I can believe Him and trust Him to give me the grace to walk in His humility towards others.
Mike: We know that one of the ways God develops holiness in our lives is by humbling us and breaking us. But I want to talk about the reality of that playing out and I want to use some of the men in our Residential Program as an example. Many of these men come to us having gone through some real outwardly broken situations. Some of them have had their sin exposed to their church, lost their jobs, or their wives and children have turned away from them. I mean, just all kinds of really broken situations, but that alone does not lead one to holiness. Explain why.
Jeff: Those situations will help lead someone to brokenness and humility. We all have times where God does use a situation to humble us. But it's not enough to have a humbling experience and then think, we’re suddenly holy or humble. In the process of God trying to bring you into humility and brokenness, you need to have a revelation of the mercy God has had on you. That is where true brokenness and repentance comes. When we are humbled and broken by the consequences of our sin, we get a better sight of what Jesus has actually done for us and we gain an appreciation for the cross.
When you have experienced true brokenness like this it produces in you a desire to be a servant of Christ. Part of that comes through a humbling experience, but then it has to be continually lived out, never forgetting what God has done. Having the mindset that your life is no longer your own and wanting to serve Him from your heart all the days of your life.
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Mike: It’s almost like God uses those humbling or breaking circumstances to till the soil of our hearts so that it's open to receiving the revelation knowledge of who Jesus is. How important is it that we grow in our understanding of who Jesus is in order to live a holy life?
Jeff: It's everything, because to the degree that we have Him and we're walking with Him in the Spirit, choosing to yield to His Word and not what our flesh wants to do, we start learning the secret of what abiding in Christ is. And the more we abide in Christ, which really is a lifestyle of doing His commandments from the heart with a servant’s attitude, the more fruit starts manifesting in our lives.
Mike: And part of that fruit is coming into an understanding of agape love, what the love of Christ is. That really is the remedy for false humility, isn't it?
Jeff: Oh absolutely. If we're in that first love, where we understand God's love for us and have a true appreciation for what he's done for us, this is going to come automatically. That's the difference between the pharisee and the tax collector. A person in the same mindset as the tax collector will understand how much they have been forgiven and will joyfully surrender their life and serve Christ with their whole heart.
Mike: One comes from a superficial knowledge that leads to death, and the other comes from true humility that leads to life.
Jeff: Yeah. And one relies on self to be holy, while the other looks to Christ for their holiness.
Mike: I know that as we grow in our walk of faith, one of the traps we can fall into is comparing ourselves to others. What is the great danger of doing that, particularly in this area of holiness?
Jeff: One of the dangers I see in my own life is that when I start comparing myself with other people, I become the focus. Also, it is always easier to focus on someone that you appear better than. But Jesus is our example, and we need to be looking at Him. He is our example and the one we are to be following so the danger of looking and comparing ourselves to others is that it’ll make us the focus in place of Him.
Mike: You mentioned the importance earlier of coming to know the love of Christ and the heart of Christ. As a person begins to spend time with the Lord and as the Holy Spirit begins to reveal the heart of Jesus to them, it is going to humble them. It is going to have a humbling effect on them as they see Jesus as He really is and as they see the glory of God for what it really is. It is going to change their attitude and they are going to look at themselves and others very differently. My final question before we close this show is how important is it not to be a hearer of the Word only, but to be a doer of the Word on this issue of holiness?
Jeff: Well, the rubber meets the road when we apply the Word of God in our hearts. James tells us to not just be hearers only, because that will profit us nothing. If we want to profit in holiness, we must embrace what Jesus said in His Word about humbling ourselves, about loving others and about having the mind of Christ. We must actually do that from the heart. When we do, we find Jesus there. And it's only when we find Him and run to Him in those moments that we are clothed in His humility.
Mike: Jesus is the truly humble and holy servant.
Jeff: Yeah. There really is no other way to find true holiness, but in Him.
Each time we come into contact with wickedness, it leaves its nasty fingerprints upon our souls.
The images the investigator saw on that video probably still haunt him to this day. It opened with a girl tied to a chair and an unseen man speaking with her. “Please, give me my baby back,” she pleaded. “I’ll do anything you want.” “You will do anything I want, anyway,” was the cold response. The rest of the video was apparently so horrible that the detective became physically nauseous watching it. It was one of several “snuff films” made by serial killer Leonard Lake.
Now, be honest; that opening paragraph grabbed your attention! Don’t feel too badly; the same thing happened to me when I came upon this story. I was at a local bookstore when I noticed a coffee table book about serial killers. My life’s work is to help those in sexual deviancy so I always have a cautious interest in anything I might learn in this field. However, as I scanned the pages of this book, I found a morbid curiosity emerging within me and forced myself to put it down.
It was the same kind of interest that compelled me in 1981 when, as a bailiff working in the Los Angeles Criminal Courts building, I would look at the morgue photographs found in the evidence box of murder trials. Since becoming a believer, I have mostly avoided such things. And yet, apparently there is still enough interest within me to be willing to approach the peripheral edges of darkness for an occasional glimpse in.
Apparently, I am not the only person who is drawn to such things. For instance, witness the rash of television programs that revolve around crime scene investigations. These pseudo-reality shows, which follow the investigation of a person’s murder, typically show some portion of the victim’s body. People have become fascinated with all of the science that goes into solving such murder cases.
This attraction with violence and evil is not limited to TV. Look at the print media, for instance. What stories make the biggest headlines? Are they the articles about someone who spends his off-hours feeding the poor? I’m afraid you will find that one buried in the back of the Living section. You know as well as I that the more shocking the story, the more attention it will be given in the news.
The undeniable truth is that our attraction to wicked things comes from our fallen nature. And yet believers are commanded to maintain a distance from the evil in this world. In the Old Testament, we find the Lord praising Job as “a blameless and upright man, fearing God and turning away from evil.” (Job 1:8) Solomon said, “The prudent sees the evil and hides himself...” (Proverbs 22:3), and “A wise man turns away from evil...” (Proverbs 14:16)
This instruction is carried on in the New Testament where Paul writes, “Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good.” (Romans 12:9) He also asked, “What fellowship has light with darkness?” (II Corinthians 6:14)
It is clear that believers have no business focusing on darkness, no matter how natural the tendency. There is something about the familiarity with evil that tends to desensitize people. I think that the more we expose ourselves to it, the less we will see it for what it really is. Not only that, let’s face it: each time we come into contact with wickedness, it leaves its nasty fingerprints upon our souls.
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This is especially important for Christian men who are trying to escape the clutches of habitual sexual sin. The enemy has used the curiosity of evil to ensnare many people into pornography and worse. Men who are already involved must “make no provision for the flesh.” It is this kind of decision that determines whether or not a man will break free from the hold of sexual sin. Paul said, “For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace.” (Romans 8:6)
Instead of looking into evil things, I believe the Lord would have us focus our hearts upon Him. Isn’t that what Paul meant when he wrote the following? “Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth.” (Colossians 3:1-2) Wouldn’t it be much more edifying if we spent time doing Bible studies or listening to worship music?
I acknowledge I was wrong for picking up that book. The fact is that my flesh is still interested in the dark side of life. However, in the future, with the Lord’s help, I will refrain from sneaking peaks into the world of darkness.
My commitment is not simply because I am convicted about the wrongness what I have done, but also because I know how marvelous it is to focus my heart upon the Lord. You see, although my flesh is drawn to evil, my spirit yearns for a fresh touch from God. I have come to see that while the flesh is interested in death and mayhem, the spirit is drawn to light and life.
That is the very reason that the writings of David have outlived those that have focused upon evil. I, for one, want to live in the mindset he expressed in the following words: “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord and to meditate in His temple. When You said, ‘Seek My face,’ my heart said to You, ‘Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.’” (Psalm 27:4, 8)
Repentance and confession go hand in hand. There is no victory outside of repentance and there is no repentance outside of confession.
Last week we looked at how vital confession is for someone to find freedom from sexual sin. This week we look at another aspect of confession: confessing adultery to a wife. Pastor Ed and Kathy Gallagher join us to look at some practical steps and considerations when confessing sexual sin, as well as some of the struggles that come with taking this difficult, but vital step.
God wants to develop humility in me through my daily experiences so that He can have His way in me and through me.
Our Heavenly Father wants to use the situations and people in our lives to cultivate a spirit of humility in us. But often, we may resist His efforts or miss what He is doing entirely. Jeff Colon joins us to talk about this process and teaches us how to measure the humility in our lives by the standard set in God’s Word.
Mike: We want to continue our discussion on humility, and what I want to focus on in today's segment is humility in our daily life. What does it look like to have the humility of Christ in us in our daily lives?
Jeff: Well, First John 4:20 tells us that if someone says they love God, but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar. If we do not love people, how can we love God whom we have not seen? I've learned in my own life that I cannot trust my assessment of myself in any capacity, unless I assess myself with the Word of God as the standard. First John 4:20 is one verse that would help anybody come to see the level of humility they are actually walking in. Are they exuding the love of God through their lives, their actions, their words or their thoughts? Are they really walking in love towards their brothers and sisters?
Mike: Well Jeff, share a little bit about how that works out practically in our daily life.
Jeff: For me, it's in my unguarded moments when the true me comes out. If I could follow someone around all day and observe them in their unguarded moments, that's where I’d see what spirit is really ruling inside of them. I would encourage anybody, just try to be a little more aware of your actions, your thoughts and how you respond in situations where you may be unguarded. How do you respond? What comes out of you?
Mike: This is exactly what we saw Jesus doing with His disciples, correct?
Jeff: Well, yeah, He was with them all the time and unbeknownst to them, they were always exposing what was going on in their hearts. One example of them exposing what was in their hearts was when they were fighting over who was the greatest. That makes me think about where Paul talks about love in First Corinthians 13. He says in there, you can have faith, you can prophesy, you can have all knowledge, but without love, it profits nothing.
Paul goes down a list there in First Corinthians 13 that I've encouraged people with, especially in counseling to take that list and examine themselves and see if they are really living out those qualities. Love is patient, love is kind, and love keeps no record of wrongs. Is this really how we live our lives on a daily basis and in our interactions towards others? The Word of God gives us in many places a way to measure how we are walking regarding love and humility in our lives.
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Mike: Yeah, it is a tremendous mirror. I think also one of the things that we try to communicate, especially to the men in our Residential Program, is that if we are ever really going to mature in our faith, we've really got to man up, look at ourselves in the mirror and come face to face with what we really see.
Jeff: Absolutely. And when you think about it, we are given many opportunities to do that in our daily lives. We experience temptations to be impatient, irritable, resentful or to speak harshly. People around us are always going to make mistakes or even sin against us, but that is going to test us and show us what is in our hearts.
Mike: Let's take some time now to look at some of the things that we see in a man or a woman who has begun to come into an understanding of what it means to walk in the humility of Christ.
Jeff: I know one thing that has helped me is learning the secret of humility: seeing people the way Jesus sees them. A humble man looks at every child of God, even the ones who seem the weakest or the most unworthy, and honors them as they would a king's son. I have had to do that many times in my own life, because I can still be a jerk sometimes. For example, when I look at Rose, my wife, I have to realize that she is God's daughter, and she is my sister in Christ. I need to honor her with that in mind and seek to love her the way Christ loves her.
Mike: One of the things that the Lord has been doing with Pure Life Ministries staff is increase our burden to reach out for souls to enter the Kingdom of God in these days that we are in. To do that, He's been speaking to us about needing to develop humility in our own lives. Talk a little bit about why humility is so important and how that impacts our ability to reach souls for the Kingdom of God.
Jeff: This is a personal issue for me as God has been stirring my heart and He's really doing wonderful things right here in our community amongst pastors. I'm excited about what He is doing. But too often what I've seen in the Church, even amongst Christians in the mission field, where people should be experiencing the joy of working as co-laborers in the Kingdom of God, is people becoming a hindrance and a burden to one another. And it is always because there is a lack of humility that really considers self as nothing, rejoices in being the least and just wants to be a blessing. I know that when we see more of that quality, unity is going to be there, and we are going to work together to be the body that Jesus describes us as where He is the head. We are the body, and we must work together to bring about His Kingdom. But love and humility is what brings the unity that is needed to do His work.
Mike: My experience has been that because humility is so critical for the love of God to be able to flow through me, the difficult situations that the Lord allows into my life, and even the difficult people, are things that God is allowing in my life to develop humility in me. He wants humility to develop in me so that He can have His way in me and through me.
Jeff: Absolutely. And I would encourage anyone listening to go through your daily lives without shying away from difficult people. Embrace them and let God teach you how to go under, bear others and how to not avoid situations that will require you to enter into the same humility that Jesus did. Jesus never shied away from anyone, no matter how much of a difficult person they may have been. He was drawn to them. If you want to learn how to walk in the spirit of humility more in your daily life, embrace those moments. Don't run from them.
Mike: And we know it is not easy. Learning to walk in humility is a difficult thing, because it cuts so much against the grain of our selfishness and our flesh nature. But we can have hope in the process, because we know that our Father is good. He has a good heart, and He only desires good for us. The one who is developing humility in us is the humblest One of all.
Jeff: And what we do not realize is that we lose our joy when we refuse to humble ourselves. It is actually more of a misery not to walk in humility. When we are in humility and we are walking in love, we are one with Christ and that's where our true joy is found.
Sin thrives in the dark. If it is not brought into the light, it's going to continue and it's going to grow.
One of the most common lies whispered into the ears of men in sexual sin is, "You can get free between you and God. No one needs to know." While many are willing to believe this deception, the truth is that confession is absolutely essential for anyone who desires genuine freedom. In this episode, Pastor Ed Buch helps us unpack the spiritual realities behind confession.
The lives of Jesus’ disciples provide a mirror for us to examine our own lives and learn, just as they did, how to walk in true humility.
The lives of Jesus’ disciples provide a mirror for us to examine our own lives and learn, just as they did, how to walk in true humility. In this interview, Mike and Jeff explore three aspects of these men’s walk with God and help us see how we too should hunger after this same change of heart.
Mike: As we continue our discussions on humility, we want to talk today about humility in the disciples of Jesus. In Luke 22:26 it says, “But among you, those who are the greatest should take the lowest rank and leaders should act like servants.” What do we begin to see as we look at the disciples of Jesus as it relates to humility?
Jeff: Well, I think right away what we realize is that the Kingdom of God operates completely different than we think it would, and it is opposite to what the world teaches. We sometimes do not realize how opposite our thinking and actions are to what Jesus teaches us.
Mike: If we look at the disciples after the crucifixion and the resurrection of Christ, we can see a dramatic change in their lives. But before that, and all throughout their time with Jesus here on earth, these guys were a mess.
Jeff: I kind of like the fact that they were a mess because I can look at their lives and I can learn a lot of things about myself. I can look at their decisions and the course of their lives as told in the gospels and ask myself, “What did they need to learn that I maybe need to learn?” I'm glad that God is able to use the example of people’s sins and mistakes to teach us even today.
Mike: As we look at these men, let's consider three important lessons that we can learn from them. First, we see what tremendous zeal and Christian activity we can have in our lives where humility is still sadly lacking.
Jeff: When you look at the disciples, you can see that they were extremely zealous. They walked away from everything right from the beginning and they forsook their lives to follow Christ. I believe they loved Him and obeyed Him as much they knew how at the time that they first started following Him. But they didn't understand yet what it meant to follow Him in every way. I think they still had a lot of pride imbedded in them. They had the wrong mindset, and they really needed some insight. Even though they had left everything behind, believed Jesus to be the Son of God, and even though they seemed to be zealous to follow Him, they still had issues in their hearts that needed to be dealt with.
Mike: And really when you say pride, it's not as if pride is this one small sin that we need to deal with. It's in the core of our being and it is the root of what is wrong with us. When we fast forward 2000 years and look at things today, whether it's pastors or evangelists or missionaries, we see the same problem.
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Jeff: Absolutely. I've seen it in my own life. Being in the ministry there were times where God has shed light in my heart and used a situation to reveal to me when I am not exhibiting a humble attitude. I have to be open to that and let God help me. We all need the grace of God. We are unable to walk in humility on our own, and until we understand our weakness, God won’t be able to help us.
Mike: I think one of the things that exacerbates that particularly in modern ministry is that many people who are in ministry are so well trained in so called “skills of ministry.” So, in a sense, they're depending on self and they're depending on their abilities. I know that is my testimony and in ministry we all have different talents that God has given us, but He doesn't expect us to be depending on our own ability in order to have the power to transform lives.
Jeff: No, and really in 2000 years the pride of men and the way it causes men to fall away has not changed. Usually God must bring us through some hard trials to teach us true humility.
Mike: Yeah. And even oftentimes failure. That's been my experience and I'm grateful for it. Let's look at a second thing. We can see how weak teachings that only produce more head knowledge or efforts rooted in our own striving are in helping us overcome pride and developing a meek and lowly heart.
Jeff: Well yea. When you think about it, the disciples walked closely with Jesus for three years. And during that duration of time, He was regularly teaching them the ways of humility. But all that external teaching didn't produce humility. So we could learn about humility from someone at a seminar or we could do studies on humility, but just having head knowledge of a godly attribute is not going to bring us to a place of overcoming pride in our lives.
Mike: What does have to take place inside of a person to be able to walk in humility?
Jeff: One thing we see in Scripture is Jesus leading by example. He showed His disciples what it looked like to walk in humility. The greatest example I can think of is when He washed their feet. And then He told them to follow His example. I know that's what helps me, because outside of the action of humility I don't have a way to define it or even begin to understand it. I have nothing to compare it with. But I can look at Jesus, learn from His example and then simply enter into His yoke. Once I do that, I am able to learn to walk as He walked, because He gives me the grace to do it.
Mike: I want to put an exclamation point on something that you just said. We don't have Christ-like humility in ourselves. Humility is a combination of all the different aspects of Jesus’s life and character. It's not the kind of thing that we can produce in self-will. It's something that we must recognize we do not have, and then go to God and ask Him to make us humble.
Jeff: Yeah, basically it takes a miracle that only God can perform and until we come to the place that we see our need for that miracle to come about in our lives, all the teaching in the world isn't going to bring it about.
Mike: The third thing we can learn when we look at the disciples of Jesus is that it is only by the indwelling of Christ in His humility that we can become humble.
Jeff: It's true, and we can see the disciples had the desire. They wanted to do the right thing, but really until Jesus departed and sent them the Holy Spirit to dwell inside of them, they really did not have it in them to do what Jesus was teaching them while He was with them on Earth. But Jesus promised them that when He went away He was going to send them a Helper. I think that through their failures and coming to the place where they finally understood that they didn't have the power of God in themselves, they saw their need for that Helper. They were ready then to say, “Okay Lord, we're going to wait,” because Jesus said, “Wait until you are endued with power from on high.” So they came to the place where they knew, they needed something to happen inside of them and that God had to give it to them. That was the promise of the Holy Spirit. In Jesus’s death, He destroyed the power of the devil. But then in His resurrection, He gives us the power to live that new life.
Mike: Amen. Well, I guess what we could encourage folks to do then is to allow the Lord to search our hearts. Allow Him to show us the areas of our lives where we are not showing the humility of Christ. Then we must be willing to acknowledge that that's true about us and ask the Lord to change our hearts.
Jeff: Yes. And in my own personal life, God has been challenging me to believe Him for that. Because sometimes we can see through a situation we are going through how much pride we still have, but God does not want us to despair in those times. He wants us to acknowledge it, go to Him and believe that He has provided His Holy Spirit to help walk as He walked. That is the promise of the Gospel, that we will be transformed into His image and into His character.
In this latest Purity for Life video segment, we discuss 5 action steps that can lead those hopelessly stuck in sexual sin into freedom.
When a person believes that freedom from sexual sin is impossible for them, it often leads to feelings of despair and hopelessness. We looked at common things inside us that lead to these feelings in our last episode and showed how they prevent us from gaining freedom. This week, we’ll identify five crucial steps that a person must take if they want to walk in true liberty from sin and what it looks like to put those into practice.
What does a wife do if she is struggling to forgive her husband for his sexual sin? Kathy Gallagher addresses this and more.
What does a wife do if she is struggling to forgive her husband for his sexual sin? What is the distinction between forgiving him and trusting him again? Kathy Gallagher addresses these questions and more from her own personal experience.
Kathy, we want to deal with a question today from a woman who has struggled with forgiving her husband. In fact, she wrote "I realize it takes time to forgive your husband, but I'm still struggling. What can I do?" What would you share with a woman who's still struggling with that issue?
That is a big issue for a lot of women who have been hurt by their husband's sexual sin. It's a pretty deep wound and it takes time for a woman to process through all her emotions. I'd say probably the biggest thing that they have to fight through is the forgiveness issue. It doesn't come easily to a lot of women. It's very hard to put it behind you. I consider forgiveness a gift. I remember when Steve came to me and repented for his sin. It came immediately for me. I really didn't struggle very much with forgiving him. I wanted to forgive him and I think that was probably a big thing. But it's a gift. Forgiveness is a gift from God. We don't as human beings carry that around in our hearts. It's not inherent.
Is the fact that someone is struggling with forgiveness necessarily mean that they don't want to forgive?
No, you can want to and still struggle with it; but a lot of the women that I've dealt with confuse forgiveness with trust, and I think that's a big issue. In fact, I just was counseling a lady a couple weekends ago and her problem isn't that she is holding it against him or reminding him of it - those are characteristics of someone who has not forgiven. They keep bringing the past up, they keep rubbing their husband's nose in it, reminding him of the hurt and the pain that he's done to them.
But a woman who is struggling with trust is different. She's not necessarily holding the past against him, but it's hard to forget what's been done. I always counsel women not to confuse the two. In forgiveness, you let the person's debt go; you let them go free in your heart; you're not going to hold it against them anymore; you're not going to keep rubbing their nose in it, reminding them how they have failed; you're going to war against bitterness that wants to well up in your heart. Those are things that you can do. Trusting someone is something that the other person really has to work on. If your husband has sinned against you, he's the one that needs to work on trust.
So it's something that has to be rebuilt?
Yeah, absolutely. Just because you're questioning what is going on doesn't mean you're not forgiving. Because a woman is naturally going to be afraid of it happening again, she'll ask questions. I know I did with Steve. You come home from work, "how is your day?" You try to ask discreet questions without coming right out say and saying "did you fall?"
Right. I think sometimes the husbands would just rather you come out and ask.
Well I think they would rather you didn't say anything at all. A lot of men - most men I would say - want to just act like this never happened, "OK. I have repented. Let's move on." I understand that. I understand the heart of a man wanting to do that, but a man needs to understand the heart of a woman.
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Do men usually understand the need to rebuild trust?
No, often they just want to move on. They want to act like it didn't happen. But men, listen. It doesn't happen like that. It really does take time to build trust and that is the husband's responsibility. There are things that he needs to do to build that trust. But for the wife that's listening - and the husband is not - what you need to do is look at his life. Yes, you're going to struggle with trust, but if you're looking at his life and you're seeing him being faithful to the Lord - he's going to God every day in prayer, you see him trying, he wants to make it - you need to get behind him and support him. Try as best as you can to keep your fears to yourself because there's nothing he can do about that. For a woman to go to her husband and try and get him to placate her fears is the wrong path to go. He's not the one you should be going to.
Instead, she absolutely needs to go the Lord. If your husband tells you a thousand times a day "Honey, I love you. Everything is wonderful. I'm not going to sin," fear is still going to be there because the husband is not the one to deal with it. The Lord is the one to deal with it, and you have to present that to God, "Lord I'm struggling. You've got to help me."
How important is communication between the husband and the wife in rebuilding this trust?
It is so important and this is another area where men tend to not be real big on the communication thing. Husbands need to understand that communication is relationship to a woman. It is the relationship. If I could scream out one thing to men and women that is the most important - I actually don't even need to tell this to women, women already know this - but one thing I would say to men is that communication is the most important thing you can do for your marriage, especially one where the trust has been broken. Communication is so, so important.
Thank you for drawing that distinction between a lack of forgiveness and a lack of trust. I'm sure that'll be a help to a lot of women who have really wondered if they have forgiven their husband. Kathy Gallagher, thanks so much.
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A Christian who lives his life in pursuit of worldly pleasure is setting himself up for compromise, temptation, and failure.
We’re taking a break from producing a new episode this week as we get settled, following a wonderful time at our Annual Conference this past weekend. This replay is one of our favorites from our 20 Truths series, and we hope it’s a blessing to you. In it, we’ll define hedonism, and look at its close connection with sexual sin. Much of today's church lives more to please self than to honor Jesus, and it’s this kind of lifestyle which opens the door for sexual sin. If you haven't listened through the whole 20 Truths series before, we’d also encourage you to go back and listen to that series. Just look for episodes 363-364 and 366-381.
Every temptation will undoubtedly have these same three components: the tempter, the bait and the accompanying lies.
Gladys Decker tried to remain calm but it was useless. She knew full well the high stakes involved. Facing the opportunity of a lifetime, she could lose the entire savings her late husband had left her if the plan backfired. On the other hand, the possibilities of such a lucrative return held her in a state of breathless and fixed exhilaration.
Charles Ponzi had told Gladys that a $55,000 investment with his Securities Exchange Company would yield her a 50% return within 45 days—a quick profit of $27,500! She could afford a brand new Model T Ford! Maybe she would even buy one of those grand houses on the north side of Boston! Gladys’ growing feeling that she would miss such an opportunity quickly drowned out her nagging concerns. “I’ll go to the bank today!” she announced to herself. Unfortunately, Gladys Decker would never see her life savings again. She, along with ten thousand other unwitting souls, had been taken in by what later became known as the Ponzi Scheme. (1)
The success of Charles Ponzi’s charade can be directly attributed to his genius at manipulating people. Exuding a quiet confidence, he understood that in order to get people to give him their money, he would have to deftly manage their conflicting emotions of fear and greed. Ponzi had a way of using words to throw such a false light on the subject that people would lose their ability to perceive the inherent dangers in the investment.
While soothing away their fears with his charm, he simultaneously fanned the flames of their insatiable lust for instant gain. He knew the best way to quiet a person’s suspicions was to dangle the anticipated payoff before their eyes—the proverbial carrot. The hidden inner workings of greed would do the rest.
The story of Charles Ponzi is a very poignant illustration of how Satan coaxes people into sin; for with every temptation always come the same basic components.
First, there is the tempter. Gladys Decker, though clearly naïve, was in no danger of losing her savings until a slick conman named Charles Ponzi came along. The enemy of our souls is also quite adept at timing his temptation. His devils will often leave a man alone for a period of time. The man might even become confident in the belief that he has overcome sinful habits of the past. Then, when the enemy sees the opportunity, he will set his wicked plan into motion. No wonder the apostle Paul warned his readers to prepare themselves for such times. “Put on the full armor of God,” he told the Ephesians, “so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.” (6:11)
I believe we underestimate the enemy’s vast knowledge of a person’s inner life. For example, he knows when a married man’s hormones are raging because he has not had relations with his wife for a period of time. He will often wait to spring his trap until the man becomes highly sensitized to sexual stimuli or perhaps when he is alone and vulnerable.
Demons are also proficient at preparing people for susceptibility to temptation. For instance, a demon might bring discouraging circumstances into a man’s life, knowing this will weaken his resolve to withstand temptation. The enemy will also use sexual influences to prepare a victim for temptation. He might even arrange an elaborate array of situations—an explicit scene on television, a scantily dressed girl next door, etc.—to weaken a man morally before introducing the real temptation.
Although devils are masters at luring people into sin, they must first have something desirable to offer. In order to get a person to take their bait, they must offer something he already wants. Ponzi masterfully played on Gladys’ own greed to entice her to give him money.
The enemy understands that different people are prone to different temptations. James said, “But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.” (James 1:14) Every human being has a unique fallen nature with its “own lust.” Each person’s flesh is drawn to different types of sin. A man may have no attraction to cocaine but be overwhelmingly fascinated by sexual things. A woman may have no desire for immorality but be easily led into envy or gossip. The enemy knows his prey and sets before him just the right piece of bait.
Lastly, falsehood and deceit always accompany the bait. Charles Ponzi knew that dangling the carrot in front of Gladys would not, in itself, be enough to coax her to action. He also had to present a plausible scenario of profit—all done with “smoke and mirrors,” of course. In my book, At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, I described the deceptive presentation of sin:
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“Solomon said, ‘For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and smoother than oil is her speech,’ (Proverbs 5:3). This phrase describes how the devil presents temptation. Honey represents promised fulfillment. The temptation seems irresistible because it is laced with the deception that the act of sin will bring about tremendous pleasure and satisfaction. The tantalizing thought is presented, all is forgotten and the act of sexual sin looks absolutely intoxicating and therefore irresistible. The smooth oil represents the craftiness of the enemy… Fully camouflaged and extremely calculating, they launch the perfect illusion, timing each consecutive attack ‘to steal, and kill, and destroy’ God's property.”
Every temptation will undoubtedly have these same three components: the tempter, the bait and the accompanying lies. Believers can prepare themselves to successfully face the enemy’s allurements toward sin by watching out for this wicked trio. When they show up at your doorstep together, you should know you are about to be tested. I conclude this article with the following words from Alexander MacLaren:
“So, dear friend, these two stand before you. On one side the Sorceress with a smile on her lips, a lie on her tongue, and a knife in her sleeve. Do not go into her house. ‘The dead are there; and her guests are in the depths of Hell.’ On the other side stands Jesus Christ who has died to ‘redeem our souls from’ her ‘deceit and violence’; and trusting in whom we may all say: ‘My soul is escaped as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers. The snare is broken and I am escaped.’”
(1) A fictional account based on real-life events.
Issues like self-pity, self-righteousness, and living by feelings must be dealt with if one is to find true freedom from sexual addiction.
In this new Ask the Counselor episode, we continue looking at sins which are closely tied to sexual addiction. Today we’ll look at self-pity, covetousness, self-righteousness and living by our feelings. While on the surface these issues may seem unrelated, they are still sins that must be dealt with if a person is ever to experience genuine freedom over their sexual addiction.
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