Way back in eternity—before there was time, earth or man—there was a tremendous Kingdom with a marvelous King. It seems that millions of angelic beings inhabited this domain. Since there was only one will in the entire Realm, there was a complete lack of conflict. Every angel was content and lived in unbroken fellowship with God.

At some point, an archangel named Lucifer became fixated on himself, rather than the Lord. He swelled with pride and decided—the first decision ever made outside of the will of God—that he would overthrow the Lord and take His place as absolute ruler. “I will ascend to heaven;” he announced. “I will raise my throne above the stars of God, and I will sit on the mount of assembly in the recesses of the north. I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High.” (Isaiah 14:13-14) These five “I will’s” reveal the introduction of a new will into the Kingdom of God.

Some time later, God created a planet which would be inhabited by man. Everything began well enough, as man—just like the angels of heaven—enjoyed perfect fellowship with his Creator. But lurking in the shadows was the malevolent presence of that fallen angel, Lucifer. One day, he approached Eve and impugned God’s merciful intentions with the concept that the Lord was holding out on her. Faced with the decision to obey God or not, Eve chose Satan’s will over God’s. In one grievous instant, her soul was polluted, her mind darkened and she came under the dominion of sin and death.

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Satan’s Will vs God’s Will

Today, several millennia removed from the Fall, the question still faces us: what is Satan’s will and what is God’s will? Jesus once said, “The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy; I came that they might have life, and might have it abundantly.” (John 10:10) The latter phrase perfectly describes the heart of God. His will is founded upon His good and merciful character. Every decision He makes, every word He speaks, and every action He takes is an expression of His lovely, benevolent will. Since love is the substance of His character, it is impossible for Him to act outside of that love. Even in wrath, God is displaying His love by purifying the world of ungodliness for the sake of those who respond to this great love. Satan, through lies and deception, has successfully supplanted God’s perfect will on earth with his own. Thus Jesus, on another occasion, prayed, “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven,” counteracting Satan’s devious plan.

The first phrase of John 10:10 expresses the devil’s mission statement: “The thief comes only to steal, and kill, and destroy.” Jesus’ words here perfectly describe Satan’s evil will. He is absolutely determined to annihilate every person he possibly can. One way he accomplishes this is by holding out the promise of the extreme pleasure of sexual sin, luring people into rebellion against the will of God. He is constantly whispering, “Hath God really said, ‘you shall not…’” Men who have given themselves over to immorality have consistently listened to his lies. They listen and act because, at the moment of the temptation, what he is offering seems much more valuable than the fruit of obedience.

Whose Will Are You Living In?

This is a very important subject to me because a number of years ago, the Lord gave me the following passage of Scripture as a theme for the work being done at Pure Life Ministries:

“And the Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.” (II Timothy 2:24-26)

The first half of this lengthy statement describes the spirit that the minister should be in who works with these individuals. However, for the sake of our subject here, we will briefly focus on what is expressed about men in sin. There are six things said about them: three that describe their condition and three that show the answer to their problem.

• They are ensnared by the devil.
• They have “been held captive by him to do his will.”
• They are “in opposition.” (What are they opposing, if not God’s will?)
• They must “come to their senses.”
• The solution to their dilemma is repentance.
• Repentance will lead them into “the knowledge of the truth.”

Clearly, then, the key to freedom from the bondage of Satan’s will is found through repentance. We see this same formula worked out in the life of the Prodigal Son, who, after doing the expressed will of the devil, “came to his senses” while in the pigpen, repented of his sin, and returned to his Father.

Yes, Satan has his own will: to “steal, kill and destroy.” However, believers who are caught in his trap can find freedom through repentance. As they repent, they too will come into “the knowledge of the truth.” And, as Jesus rightly said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32)

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In part three of our series, Refined as Silver, we look at the crucial role a wife plays as her husband walks in repentance from sexual sin. Kathy Gallagher helps us see that when a wife selflessly puts her husband first, she is learning to embody the love of Jesus Christ.

Resources

• What's My Role in Helping My Husband (Short Video) by Kathy Gallagher

Jeff Colon helps us see the relationship between humility and fellowship with God in this week’s interview. He shows us how pride keeps us from living lives which glorify God, which means that humility is the only entrance back into God’s original plan for humanity.

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Jeff: Absolutely and without that there is no faith because faith is understanding that everything I have comes from God.

Mike: For someone listening to this who’s getting the sense that humility is important, and wants to make a commitment that tomorrow they will just start being humble, why couldn’t they just do that?

Jeff: Becoming humble isn’t something that we can produce in ourselves. It is something that God must help us with and open our eyes to. We also need to come to the realization that truly we are nothing and sometimes that's hard for us to see. When you come into the reality that you are nothing and you are helpless outside of Christ, you are on your way to humility, because that's where it begins.

Mike: Sometimes I do the most ridiculous thing in prayer. I get before the Lord and start trying to convince Him of the good things I've done or how good I really am and then God gets my attention and says, “No, you're nothing.”

Jeff: He will show you that truth and it's not in a demeaning way. In response we just need to yield ourselves to God and say, “Lord, you're right, I'm wrong, and this is what I am, but I surrender this vessel to you. Lord. I offer my life so that you can fill it. Give me strength to do the things that I'm unable to do.” Jesus said in John chapter 15, “Without me, you can do nothing.” Yet, when we yield to Him and give our lives to Him, He brings forth the fruit that He desires to produce in our lives.

Mike: We can have the desire to see righteousness and holiness exemplified in our lives, but I think sometimes the mistake we make is that we have the idea that doing all the right things is the greatest evidence of holiness in our life. It really isn't, is it?

Jeff: No, if our goal is to do the right thing without humility it will only produce a pharisaical attitude in us and that would not be a good thing.

Mike: If I go out tomorrow and try to be humble, I'm probably going to stumble and fall. It's probably a good thing that I do because again, it brings me to the realization that this is something God must produce in me. But there are some things that can put us on the right path for learning what it means to walk in humility. What are some of those things?

Jeff: Well, the first thing is that you must want it. As I look at Jesus, it makes me want humility, because I see how wonderfully He lived His life and what a blessing He was. How He displayed the Father's goodness and His love because He walked in humility. I want that in my life because I want people to see Jesus. We must first want it and then it requires faith, because it's not something we can produce in ourselves. We must believe God because He has promised to help us and give us the things we need and then pray and simply ask for Him to do it in us.

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There are so many times in Scripture Jesus invites us to come, ask, and believe Him and then obviously to the best of our ability do the words of Jesus. As we do that, I believe the Holy Spirit and the grace of God will bring it about in us, but it will not happen overnight. We see Jesus with the disciples, He was with them for three years and He taught them about humility all the time, but they were very slow to learn. Learning to be humble is a process, but if we yield ourselves to the Lord and trust Him to help us, He will bring humility about in our lives.

Mike: He really will, and I want to end on this next thought. As we're pursuing a greater sight of Jesus, a greater willingness to allow him to have His way in our hearts, and striving to learn what it means to walk in the humility of Jesus, we also must be willing to acknowledge when we're not.

Jeff: Amen and what helps me the most is considering and looking at Jesus in the Word and how He dealt with people. The more I look at Him, the more I realize I'm not like Him. It really shines the light on my heart and then I can acknowledge “Lord, I'm not like you in this way, but I repent, and I want to be.” As I fix my eyes on Him, and just how wonderful He is, it just furthers my desire to want to get the pride and things that are not like Him out of me; so that he could more fully live His life in me and through me.

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"He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy." Proverbs 28 :13

James woke up, his leg throbbing. He struggled to remember what had happened.

"Oh, that's right," he thought.  He had been robbed, beaten, and thrown into an alley.

In a moment of rare self-reflection, he asked himself, "How did my life get here?" He began to sob.

Stories like James' are tragic. The devastation of a human life always elicit compassion from tender-hearted men and women.  But the real tragedy is not that James had destroyed his life, but the fact that it never had to be that way.

Over and over again, James had chosen to conceal sin. He had repeatedly and deliberately kept things hidden which should have been exposed, and in greater and greater degree, his life bore out of the truth of Proverbs 28:13. "Those who conceal their sins shall not prosper."

When James was 13, he was like any other normal boy. He loved to play sports with his friends, prank his little sister, and horse-play with his father. He skiied in the winter, swam in the summer, played soccer in the fall. He was a nice boy to be around, and many people spoke well of him.

At age 14, the Internet came into his home. His parents were naïve, and were unaware of the dangers. James would spend his nights surfing the web, looking at professional soccer player's stats, and playing games online.

One day, he noticed an ad in one of the forums that he frequented that said, "Click here for erotic stories." He knew he shouldn't, but he was curious. With heart racing, he clicked. For hours that night, James read stories of people having sex. That night he discovered masturbation.

The next morning, he felt overwhelmed by guilt because of what he had done. He knew that he should tell his dad, but the shame was deep. He chose to ignore the warnings of his conscience, and to conceal his sin. If James had confessed at that moment, the venom of the serpent's bite would have been expelled, and the life of James would have been very different. Instead, he cleared the history on the computer, told his father he had slept really well, and walked out the door.

For the next 5 years, James was led down a path that grew deeper and darker than he had imagined. Stories turned to pictures. Pictures turned to short clips. Short clips turned to porn site subscriptions.

He had opportunity after opportunity to come clean with his sin, and to forsake it. But each time the opportunity came, he concealed his sin and bypassed the road to repentance and restoration. He chose the temporary comfort of darkness, instead of the pain of exposure.

Once, James was preparing to watch pornography on his smartphone in the privacy of his bedroom. He accidentally played a video before he had his headphones in. The sounds of sex blared from his phones speakers. He panicked, and clicked out of the video. He waited in silence, hoping desperately that no one in the other room heard.

His mother came to the door, and knocked. "James, what are you doing?"

"I am just reading, Mom." he lied.

"What were those noises coming from your bedroom?"

"My bedroom? No, that was coming from the neighbor's house. I heard a bunch of people laughing and screaming for a couple of seconds. Something must have happened."

James' pornography use became more and more frequent, which required him to lie more often in order to keep his secret life hidden from everyone around him.

Every time he lied, the noose tightened around his neck.

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In his mid 20's, he met a girl and they were engaged within a year. During marriage counseling, the pastor asked him specifically if there was any history of pornography or sexual immorality. James had grown so accustomed to lying, he didn't even flinch. "Absolutely not," he said. His fiancée beamed with joy.

Although he secretly hoped that his pornography use would end once he got married, he soon found out that nothing changed with the exchanging of vows. He had the same heart, and his heart desired pornography. If he had to lie to his wife for the rest of his life, he was determined to do it.

He had an extra smartphone that he paid with a private account. When he was away on business, he paid for it was a credit card she didn't know he had. He would sneak it when he went to the bathroom. Sometimes she wondered why he took so long. "Just reading, darling" was always his response.

One kid arrived, then two, then three, then four. He became increasingly more disconnected from the family. His wife was worried, then frustrated, then suspicious. "What's going on?" she demanded to know.

More lies. More excuses. Work problems. Stress. Always tired.

Again the sin was concealed. Again the cancer remained, spreading throughout his soul, infecting every part of his life.

Eventually, James' sin found him out. A colleague who happened to be a Christian saw James watching pornography in his car in the office parking lot. Since James professed to be a Christian, he confronted him.

James confessed. Sort of.

He admitted to looking at pornography, said he had been having a rough time at work. "Difficult family stuff. I know I shouldn't do it, I guess this was the wrong way to deal with it.”

The colleague nodded his head, and offered to pray for James.

The same thing happened a month later. Again, he was confronted. This time he admitted that he had been "struggling off-and-on for a while now." When he was asked direct questions about the intensity and frequency of his sin, James gave half-truths. But his colleague gave James the benefit of the doubt, and again said he would be praying for him.

A year later, he was caught again. This time, his colleague required him to talk to his wife about this. James grew angry, said it was none of his business. Once he calmed down, he agreed to talk to his wife.

James' "confession" came the next day. He finally mustered up the strength to tell his wife that they needed to talk. When they sat down together, he said, "Honey, I have been watching pornography."

His wife burst into tears, then boiled into a rage. She screamed at him, "How could you!?! For years I have been asking you if anything was wrong. I knew something was wrong!!"

He let her continue until she was too exhausted to yell any more. With blood-shot eyes she looked up at him and said, "Tell me everything."

For the next ten minutes, James told half-truths, vague stories and sugar-coated details. He told her he had looked at a lot of porn, but didn’t tell her it had been going on before they were even married. He told her that he had spent some money on porn, but never told her about the credit card and personal accounts.

The marriage suffered incredibly, but days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. James constantly had to fight against the conviction that he should tell everything. Eventually, his conscience, having suffered enough, stopped speaking.

The next ten years were like a living nightmare. James’ wife began to hound him relentlessly, monitoring everything he did, interrogating him whenever he went anywhere. Because she was constantly on guard, she caught him more and more often.

Every time he told her this would be the last time, that it had never been this bad. The serpent, Satan, was always willing to show James the painful road that lay ahead if he confessed everything to his wife. Tragically, James couldn’t see the eternity of pain and misery that was waiting for him if he wouldn’t confess.

Finally, James’ wife had had enough. He came home from work one day, and the house was empty. His wife had thrown his stuff into the front yard, changed the locks and gone to her mother’s in another state. A note on the front door said, “I never want to see you again.”

James’ life spiraled. He threw himself into sin more than ever. Soon he drank and did drugs to numb the pain. Anything to forget what his life had become.

One night, on his way to a strip club, he was robbed, beaten and thrown into an alley. The next morning he experienced a rare moment of self-reflection, and contemplated where to go from there.

What will become of James’ life? I honestly don’t know. It depends on whether or not he will confess and truly forsake his sin.  

If he continues to cover his sins, according the spiritual law revealed in Proverbs 28, he will not prosper. The cancer of sin will continue to ravage his heart, soul and life. He will reap more and more consequences of sin, and eventually will suffer eternally.

But, equally as true is the rest of that verse. “He who confesses and forsakes will find mercy!” What a wonderful promise. This is a glorious truth in the Word of God for any man who has destroyed his life by concealing his sexual sins. There is a way out.

The truth is, it’s up to you.

How can a wife trust her husband when he has proven himself to be unfaithful? How can she know that he has truly repented of his sin or if he will betray her again? In part two of our series, Refined as Silver, we discuss how a wife can learn to rest in the Lord as she entrusts her marriage to Him. And she must also learn to have faith that God will hold her husband fast as he walks out His repentance.

Resources

• Sacred Things (Video Series) By Kathy Gallagher

When Jesus came in the first century, what He found caused Him to fashion a whip to cleanse the temple and led Him to pronounce woe on the religious leaders. We know that He is coming again—perhaps soon—but the question remains, “What will He find?” What will it take to be part of the faithful remnant who continue pressing on, clinging to God’s Word, and living in daily anticipation of His coming? We must prepare our hearts now!

In this interview, Jeff Colon teaches us about the importance of humility, it's central role in the lives of those who wish to follow Christ and the joy that comes from embracing it.

Mike: We're going to begin a series on humility, a completely foreign idea in our American culture. We're raised in America to be proud, but we know that one of the defining aspects of being a Christian is humility. I want to begin by asking you this question, why humility? Why are we looking at this subject today?

Jeff: As God has dealt with me over the years, I've seen in my own life a greater need for it, and it’s a character trait Jesus taught His disciples a lot about. We read a lot about it in Scripture and it’s closely tied with the word love. Humility is a servant’s attitude. And those who have really given up their own will to submit it to another’s understands how much they are in need of God. I want Jesus to be displayed more in my life, so the subject of humility has been pressed upon my heart lately and I'm just excited about the whole concept of humility.

Mike: I want to start off this discussion looking into what you believe would motivate someone to want to be humble.

Jeff: It all starts in Genesis, where we see that we were created out of the dust from the ground. God breathed into our nostrils the breath of life and man became a living being. I see this as a picture of humility that shows me that I cannot even have life without God. This in of itself motivates me to take my rightful place before Him.
Then, there is the obvious fact that we fell from our place with God. Humility gives me hope as a sinner that if I take my rightful place, God will make a way for me to come to the place where He is everything to me. It gives me hope as a sinner and it strengthens me as one of His children. It gives me strength because it teaches me that as I get into my rightful place, I have the grace of God there to help me and give me what I do not have.

Mike: What are some of the misconceptions regarding the subject of humility?

Jeff: I've often used the phrase, especially when I was in my sin that God is just using this sin of mine to humble me. That sometimes is what we believe. Really that's not right, because then I might argue that I should keep on sinning so that I can grow in humility. That certainly contradicts what Paul says in Romans. The greatest humbling is when we are forgiven of our sin and get to stand in awe of the grace of God.

Mike: This idea of humility certainly is not something we naturally find in ourselves or that we find in the culture around us, so how do we even begin to grasp what humility really is?

Jeff: As fallen creatures, it's hard for us to have a right understanding of it, but I'm so thankful that Jesus is our example of humility. As we look in the Scriptures at how Jesus lived His life, how He stepped out of glory, humbled Himself, and depended on the Father, then we can learn what true humility is.

Mike: In our culture, I think men often cringe at the thought of being humbled.

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Jeff: Right. And what I'm finding is that's where my joy comes from. That's where my strength comes from. As I said earlier, Jesus is our example. When we look at Jesus, well, He had joy. It wasn't humiliating for Jesus to step out of glory and to humble Himself and become a servant of all. It was a joy for Him to go to the Cross, and it was a joy for Him to serve and glorify the Father as well. Humility is where His strength came from, so it's really something to be admired and longed for.

Mike: Jesus was a servant and when we look at a servant, we see that a servant finds great joy in serving His master.

Jeff: That's where a servant finds pleasure in life. It's what they were created for, and we were created for God. That's where we'll find our greatest pleasure, when we come into our rightful place before Him.

Mike: You've been in ministry for quite a while. When you look at people in ministry in general, do you find that there's an understanding of humility or a great need for more of it?

Jeff: As I’ve been around the country to different ministries, I’ve seen a lot of different aspects of the Christian life. You hear about faith, consecration, prayer, but you don't hear humility talked about a whole lot as something to be sought after. But I believe it is one of the core things we should be seeking after, especially if Jesus emphasized it to His disciples time after time. Unfortunately, sometimes we're pursuing holiness but neglecting humility and I know for myself when I've done that it only served to turn me into a pharisee. It is so easy to become self-focused, so humility is the place that we want everything in our life to flow out of.

Bitterness is a deadly malignancy of the soul. Its poisonous venom destroys both the physical body and the spiritual health of an individual. I once heard it said, “Bitterness is like the acid you have inside that you want to spew on others; but it may well eat you alive before you get the chance.”

Truly, bitterness is one of Satan’s greatest weapons in devouring all kinds of relationships. It seeks out those who have been offended or hurt by another, encouraging them to dwell on the offense until a deep-seated anger and resentment takes root. The Enemy whispers in their ear: You’re right… Look what he did to you… You don’t deserve this… And she calls herself a Christian… and so on, and so on, and so on.

As we see in Hebrews 12:15, what makes this anger and resentment so dangerous is “the root of bitterness” that springs up in the heart. From it, this Scripture warns, trouble is caused and “many become defiled.” In other words, the constant stream of venom spewing from the heart of a bitter person defiles nearly everyone encountered.

Unfortunately, I have seen this poisonous root spew its venom in the lives of numerous women I have counseled over the years at Pure Life Ministries. But bitterness isn’t unique to hurting wives.

Bitterness in the Bible

Consider the account of Cain and Abel for a moment. (Genesis 4:1-16) We see that Abel brought the appropriate offering to God and received His favor, while Cain’s offering was not accepted because it was the wrong way to approach God. As a result, Cain was bitter at his brother. God warned Cain that if he did not deal with his simmering anger, sin was crouching at the door of his heart, desiring to master him. Although God’s desire was for Cain to rule over his anger, sadly, Cain did not heed God’s warning. We see the ultimate fruit of this failure when he rose up and killed his brother Abel.

One can look at this story and wonder, “How could Cain do such a horrible thing?” But I believe there is a simple explanation: Cain’s action stemmed from his bitter heart. Cain was angry, resentful and bitter over his brother’s offering. One can only imagine the thoughts repeatedly churning in his mind as a result of his bitterness. In warning him, God knew Cain’s heart would ultimately lead him to murder Abel if not dealt with in the right way. Bitterness is invariably found in the heart of one who has not dealt with a hurt or offense in God’s prescribed manner.

So what is the biblical way to deal with bitterness? Amy Carmichael has said, “There is only one way of victory over the bitterness and rage that comes naturally to us—to will what God wills brings peace.”

Paul laid out the biblical instruction for dealing with bitterness when he said: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32) It has been my experience in counseling women for almost two decades, that bitterness left unchecked will almost certainly yield the other rotten fruits of “wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking and malice” in our relationships with others. The biblical mandate is to forgive others of the offenses that have spawned our bitterness, doing so with the awareness that we also have been forgiven much.

When A Wife Is Overwhelmed By Bitterness

It’s been many years ago now, but I once counseled a lady who is a beautiful example of how to overcome bitterness. This dear woman’s husband had been in sexual sin for many years when she began counseling with Pure Life Ministries. Because she was not dealing with her husband’s offense in a godly manner, this woman became very bitter toward her spouse. She was miserable, both in her marriage and, more generally, over the person she had become. My heart would break for her as she came to my office for counseling. You could see the resentment and lack of joy all over her face as she slumped down in her chair.

She would confess during our counseling sessions that she was nasty to everyone she came in contact with and would never smile at anyone, including me. Yet, I remember as she got involved in our At-Home Program for Wives and began to do The Walk of Repentance Bible study, God began to do a work in her heart.

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The Holy Spirit began to convict her of her cutting words toward her husband, of her ungrateful heart in the midst of the trial she was going through, of her grumbling and complaining spirit toward God for her lot in life, and over the great disdain that rose up in her heart every time she even saw her husband—to the point where they had been separated for several years.

As she began to apply God’s Word to her heart, entering into His prescribed remedy for this deadly poison which was, little by little, eating away at her soul, I began to see her countenance change right before my eyes.

This dear lady desperately needed God just as much as her husband did. And gradually that realization dawned upon her.

When A Wife Overcomes Bitterness

As she allowed the living and powerful Word of God, which is sharper than any two-edged sword, to pierce into her soul and spirit and the joints and marrow of her heart, God began to cut this malignant root of bitterness out of it. It became very real to her that, if she were to die, she would have to give an account to God for what she had allowed to fester in her heart. She realized the Lord’s judgment would be without mercy to her, the one who would not show mercy to her husband. (James 2:13)

You see, she came from a sinful past (as we all do!), and God had forgiven her much. Yet, before contacting Pure Life Ministries for help, she had not been willing to give that same mercy to her husband. She was living as the unforgiving servant we read about in Matthew 18:21-35. She basically had her husband by the throat, demanding, “Pay me what you owe!”

She knew God had been merciful to her, and He was justly requiring that she have compassion on her husband, releasing and forgiving him from the debt she felt he owed her. This instruction was God’s prescribed medicine for her soul and brought the healing and deliverance she so desperately needed to eradicate this bitter poison from her heart.

I almost shudder to think about what would have become of her if she had not taken God’s counsel to heart. She was following the same path of bitterness Cain went down; only the Lord knows where her murderous heart was leading her.

You see, this woman had allowed her husband’s sin to steal her joy and her sense of God’s presence in her life. God was able to work in her life, however, because of her willingness to see her own sinful heart. To be sure, it was not easy to keep the focus on her own sin in the midst of so much temptation to keep focusing on her husband’s offenses against her. But even though she still had some ups and downs, she learned to repent daily of her unforgiving attitude and turn to God.

Peace Is Available

What about you beloved? You might be going through something right now, where the sin of bitterness is crouching at the door of your heart. Be assured, God’s desire for you is that you would master it.

Are you willing to take God’s medicine into your soul today and “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”? (Ephesians 4:32) Are you willing even though your offender doesn’t deserve it?

If not, I solemnly remind you of Jesus’ warning: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But it you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15) The choice, of course, is yours; but I pray that you will choose to forgive others just as Christ has forgiven you.

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When a woman finds out that her husband is in sexual sin, she passes through a fire of deep pain and suffering. For many, this experience creates long-terms wounds that never quite heal. But others have a surprisingly different story to tell. In our new five-part series for wives, Refined as Silver, we will talk to women who found freedom as they allowed the Lord to use the fiery trials they endured to refine them and produce His character in them.

Resources

• When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart (Book) by Kathy Gallagher

Register Now for our 22nd Annual Conference!
We are excited about a special addition to our 2022 Annual Conference. For many years, we have partnered with local churches to spread a message of truth and hope. Our Call to Purity weekends have shown thousands of Christians the true roots of sexual sin, giving them the tools needed to live a pure life. During this year's Preconference, we'll host a one-day version of this event that will show you how to escape the snares of our increasingly sexualized culture.

In this interview, Kathy Gallagher teaches wives about the danger of living in fear and how a genuine trust in the Lord is the only way to leave the past behind and have newness of life in a marriage.  (from Podcast Episode #434 - Overcoming Fear When Restoring a Marriage)

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Nate: Kathy, you have counseled many wives over the past 30 plus years since co-founding Pure Life Ministries with your husband Steve. You are very familiar with a wide range of issues that come up between a husband and a wife as they're either dealing with the crisis of sexual sin and moving past it. One question wives often ask us is, how can they leave the past behind after their husband has genuinely repented? Usually, he has been walking in the fruit of genuine repentance for quite some time, but the wife is still living in the past and can't seem to progress in the healing of the relationship. What would you say to a woman that is in this place?

Kathy: Well, I would call that she is living, waiting for the next shoe to drop, which is a miserable way to live. Most women have been living like this, because their husbands are going through ups and downs in their fight for freedom. The husband does good for a while, then crashes and the cycle continues. That kind of dynamic can cause a woman to feel like she is never going to be able to be free of the past. A woman in this place will either live waiting for the next shoe to drop or just live in her own fear.
Fear is one of the undealt with issues that a lot of wives carry around in life. I carried it for many years. I was always on guard and inside I was trying to shield myself from any future disappointments that might come. It is a miserable existence, and you can't move forward because you're waiting for disaster to strike, even though he's doing good and he hasn’t given you any reason to believe that anything devastating is going to happen again. The ongoing routine of fear, anger, and bitterness is where women can really get themselves into a lot of trouble.

Nate: Wow, it's almost like a betrayal of self to let it go.

Kathy: Yes. There's a mentality that a lot of women have that if I don't keep my guard up, if I don't keep this flame of fear alive and if I don't keep watch, he's going to hurt me again. It becomes a very defensive and adversarial position for a wife to get into. They don't do it on purpose, it just feels so natural that it’s almost like it just happens to them. They really have to take a step back and look at what is happening to them, because something is definitely happening inside.

Nate: What do you mean?

Kathy: Fear is the most soul rotting thing that a woman can live in. Fear in of itself is a good emotion; it teaches us to run when we're in danger and to genuinely protect ourselves in a helpful way. But to live in fear as though it is going to be a wall of protection from future harm is deceptive. Really, what it does is turn you into a different person. I had to undo who I was becoming as a result of fear, and it was not a pleasant process. It was very painful and there are remnants to this day of fear in me that I have to deal with. Not fear of Steve falling or something of that nature, but just from time to time it attaches itself to me and gets into my pattern of thinking.

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Nate: It's something that you use to protect yourself and then in the end it ends up controlling you.

Kathy: It’s similar to the biblical principle that says the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. The same thing could be said about fear. It is a root that has 1000 heads. It's like pride in that way and is practically impossible to kill. But you don't quit trying to kill it, you keep after it.

Nate: If he's not giving her evidence that something is imminent, then why is she so afraid?

Kathy: I think it's because she's putting her hope in the wrong place. She wants to have a future and a hope, but the problem is that it is resting on a person, and that is a slippery slope for anyone. For wives that is our issue; we put everything into our marriages. It becomes our life and our world. If he does well, we do well. If he does poorly, we do poorly. If he's up, she’s up. If he's down, she’s down. That's a natural thing in marriage, but a woman who can't move forward even though her husband has moved forward has lost track of where her hope should be. That is an obvious indicator that she is not right with the Lord inside, because no matter what we go through in life, our only hope is Jesus.

Eventually I came to the place where I could live with a man who was shaky and still have a life that wasn't going to blow apart if he blew apart. I had to get my priorities right and I had to realize that Steve was not the foundation of my life, and he was never meant to be. It's difficult for women to get their priorities in the right place, because they place expectations on their husbands to be the foundation in life that only Jesus can be.
It's everything to a wife to have the union, oneness, and sacredness that the marriage covenant is supposed to be. That is how it should be, but in a lot of cases for us wives, it becomes more important than our relationship with Christ. That's why a lot of women struggle, because they put their marriage and the security of it ahead of their walk with the Lord. Many wives think that their walk with God will vastly improve when their marriage improves, but they will come to find out that that is not the truth. I had it so backwards when I thought that if my husband got it together and the marriage was good, then I would grow in my relationship with God. That is not true. If I wasn't putting God first and moving forward spiritually, regardless of what Steve was doing, nothing was happening within me spiritually. I wasn't moving forward with God. I wasn't growing spiritually, and I wasn't trusting God.
When a person is so fixated on the problem, it begins to control their whole life. What inevitably happens, whether it's a man in sexual sin or a woman struggling with horrible fear, is they begin to become a completely different person. If you are a man that is in lust, you will become corrupted the more you give over. Your inside world becomes more and more hollowed out, and you start to become less and less in touch with reality. For a woman in fear, you could potentially become controlling, manipulative, angry, bitter, or even full of wrath. You may become angry at your kids, angry at life or even angry at God. That is ultimately the result when there is a bunch of undealt with stuff inside. That's why I take the issue of fear so seriously when I'm dealing with women, because they have to take care of the root issue.
There is a valid place for the pain, the hurt, and the fear, but it must be reined in.  I would say the same for a guy who is struggling with lust, he needs to rein it in, he can't just let it go, he has to deal with it. If a woman is unable to move forward, often it’s because she is living in fear. She has to start working on overcoming fear just like her husband has to work on overcoming lust. These are both sin issues. Even though the pain and hurt are legitimate for a while, God still expects you to trust in Him with all your heart, to lean not on your own understanding and in all your ways acknowledge Him and know that He will direct your path. That's the truth that a wife has to live in. In confidence and trust you will find rest. Confidence in the Lord and trust in the Lord are things that a wife must develop in her life if she wants to experience freedom.

When a person believes that freedom from sexual sin is impossible for them, it often leads to feelings of despair and hopelessness. We looked at common things inside us that lead to these feelings in our last episode and showed how they prevent us from gaining freedom. This week, we’ll identify five crucial steps that a person must take if they want to walk in true liberty from sin and what it looks like to put those into practice.

Resources

20 Truths: Truth #19 - Faith is the Victory Over Sexual Addiction      (Short Video) by Steve Gallagher