Married men in sexual sin often say that they love their wives. But their actions tell a different story. Viewing pornography, committing adultery, and engaging in other forms of illicit sexual behavior reveal a lack of love in their hearts. After years of this hypocrisy, putting the words, “I love you,” into action will be difficult. But husbands can learn how to love their wives by letting Scripture teach them God’s way of love. Our heavenly Father’s willingness to give up His precious Son demonstrates that love. Christ’s becoming a man and willingly sacrificing His life for us reveals it too. It’s a standard every husband must strive for. Love that gives all and holds nothing back.    

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One of the most joyous days of Scott and Erin’s marriage ended with a devastating revelation. It would lead to months of seeking godly counsel and taking steps to get help for Scott. But after over a year of continued pain and betrayal, Erin knew something else was needed. But she could never have imagined how powerfully the Lord would meet them both when Scott entered the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program. Through those grueling 9 months, God would bring about forgiveness and restoration in their relationship with Him and with each other.

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In this interview, Jeff Colon, talks to us about how to deal with the difficulties of counseling young people, specifically those who have been abused. He gives us insight on how to help them in a way that is founded in biblical truth, and not in man’s wisdom.

Mike: Today, we want to talk about an issue that I know is difficult for some people to hear about but is an increasing problem. We are going to be talking about how one can help children who have been molested. How much of a problem is child molestation today?

Jeff: I can tell you countless heartbreaking stories about the devastation that sin causes. But when we're talking about a child that has been molested, we're talking about devastation that really goes deep and takes its toll on a child. A counselor really has to be in touch with the Lord to help this child deal with the traumatic consequences of such a sin.

Mike: Well, I have to imagine that not only do the issues go deep, but these issues they're dealing with can go on for years. As a counselor, how do you begin to deal with those kinds of issues?

Jeff: If a counselor comes across a situation where a child is being abused, the first thing they should do is find a way to stop the abuse. Research studies have shown that 60% of children that are abused experience repeated abuse. It's very important to take quick action so that the abuse ceases and that it does not happen again.

Mike: As counselors we of course recognize that there are legal requirements. If you become aware of molestation, it must be reported to the authorities. What are some of the physical ramifications of abuse that you might have to deal with as a counselor?

Jeff: If there is a suspicion, or it has come out that there definitely has been molestation, the child should be brought in for a physical examination, because sometimes things occur. I've come across instances where a mother has told us of a child that is experiencing bleeding, and in that case it's very important to go to a doctor, because you never know what kind of damage might have been done. It's also important that the child receives proper medical treatment if they have experienced any sort of bodily harm.

Mike: As you bring up the subject of them needing to receive a physical examination, I'm just thinking about all the different things the abused child must go through. The legal ramifications, the family relationships, and all the other things that this child is going to have to go through in the beginning of this process unfolding. What's your responsibility as a counselor and how can you help them get through that?

Jeff: In many cases, the courts are involved, and a child immediately faces many kinds of emotions and feelings. Sometimes feelings of guilt, because the abuser is a father or relative and they know that person is in trouble. They also may struggle with this as they're all of a sudden attending court proceedings. This may make the child feel as if they have done something wrong. If the perpetrator is sent to jail, the child needs comfort and reassurance of their safety.
Sometimes they're dealing with fear that this person is going to get out of jail and is going to be able to hurt them again. You want to be honest with them that there is a possibility of this person getting out at some point, but also assure the child that they will be protected. You want to help them deal with all the different kinds of things that they're going to be facing throughout the process, because there are going to be a lot of things that they do not understand because of their age.

Mike: I'm assuming there will be some kind of ongoing counseling as well. What are some of the things that you want to accomplish as you continue this process with a child?

Jeff: Well, initially the counselor must realize that this child has been damaged emotionally and they do not trust adults. You must establish trust with this child if you're going to be able to help them. That’s something you're going to have to work for diligently. It's good to demonstrate love to that child, but if you want to give them a hug or something, it's best to ask them permission first. You don't want to quickly invade their space that they're probably protecting, but you do want to let them know that you love them and begin to build their trust immediately.

Mike: As children are growing up, one of the things that they're learning is respect for authority. I'm assuming that for these children, all respect for authority has been demolished. How do you balance things for children who are learning to reestablish trust for authority while continuing the process of them learning respect for authority?

Jeff: A wise counselor will have a balance of love and authority. In any kind of counseling situation, the counselor must be in control of the counseling session. If that counselor allows the child to control things, they're never going to be able to help them. It's a fine balance, but the child does need to understand that they do have an authority that they need to submit to. If you're showing them love and you're gaining trust I think establishing authority isn't going to be a problem, but it is something that the counselor needs to consider.

Mike: Why is it so important for this child to establish a respect for authority?

Jeff: We want to help this child deal with this situation the way God would want them to deal with it. We want to help them deal with it biblically. If you establish an authority and there's an understanding that they're going to have to do things God's way, then you're going to be able to help them with the different issues that they're dealing with. For instance, fear is probably one of the most common things that these children are dealing with. They are either dealing with the idea that someone is going to harm them again, and they can even get obsessed with the idea that this is going to happen again. Or they have continuous suspicions that people are thinking about them, which causes them to become obsessed with themselves and as a result they live in constant fear. We want to help them see that preoccupation with themselves is not pleasing to God.

Mike: As you're saying that, I'm seeing a huge difference between approaching a situation like this from a psycho-therapeutic perspective as opposed to a biblical counseling perspective.

Jeff: Yeah, absolutely. I would say a psycho-therapeutic way of dealing with this kind of issue would be to focus on their emotions and to make it all about them, whereas we want to get them out of themselves. We want them to get their eyes on their source of hope, which is God. We want them to look at things through His perspective.

Mike: That must throw a whole different perspective on the anger that these children must be experiencing very often.

Jeff: Exactly, some counselors might tell them it's good to be angry and might even encourage them to vent their anger. A biblical view would teach them that anger is not pleasing to God. It's not right to return evil for evil. Forgiveness is the way to freedom. It's very important that a counselor teaches a child to handle their feelings in a biblical way.

Mike: What about feelings of guilt?

Jeff: Well, there are two kinds of guilt, false and true guilt. We want to make sure that we have the wherewithal and the spiritual discernment to determine whether or not a child is experiencing false guilt. Are they feeling as though they did something wrong and that it was their fault that this happened? That's an obvious example of false guilt and we want to help them understand that they were not the cause of the problem.
True guilt may be where God is convicting them of their anger. Maybe they are angry at their mother because she didn't protect them. Maybe they are even angry at God for allowing this to happen to them. That would be an example of true guilt, which is called conviction. We should then help them alleviate that guilt by teaching them to do the right and biblical thing, which in this instance would be forgiving their mom and realizing that it was not her fault.

Mike: You know, Jeff, we never know who may be listening and reading to these interviews and there may very well be a young person out there that has been molested or there may be an adult out there who has never really dealt with past molestation. What word of hope or what word of encouragement might you have for those folks?

Jeff: What I would say to them that God hasn't turned His eyes away from them. He saw what happened to them and it grieved His heart. We live in a fallen world and bad things happen, but we serve a God that knows how to bring His purpose out of situations where we can only see horrible things. I've even heard my wife say, who went through her own issues because of my sexual sin towards her, that if she hadn't gone through what she went through, she couldn’t help hurting wives the way she does now.
I would just say to anyone out there that God has a purpose; God has a plan. He knows how to bring good out of every circumstance. If you'll trust Him and look to Him for the answers, He knows how to heal your heart. He knows how to comfort you. But He will also teach you how to bring comfort to others. I'm sure there are many people out there that need to know there is a God of comfort. There is a God that can heal any hurt that we have experienced. I just want to encourage you, if you're out there and you're listening, God sees you. He knows you. He has a way out for you. He can bring good out of your situation.

Many Americans are focused on themselves rather than others. It's this culture of self-centeredness that has created a lot of chaos in many marriages. Men go into marriage looking at it as a way to meet their needs. But if instead a husband seeks to know Christ, and makes this the central focus of his life and his marriage, the Lord will set him and his wife on the Narrow Way which leads to a unity with God's will and with each other.

Resources

• From Ashes to Beauty (Book) by Jeff Colon

• Choosing the Way of Blessing for Your Marriage (Blog) by Jeff and Rose Colon

You may find this hard to believe, but it is true nonetheless: God is making you into a trophy which He will showcase for all eternity. Now, if you’re anything like me, such a thought seems ludicrous—even laughable. When I consider my wretched past and the inferior lump of clay the Lord received with the Steve Gallagher package, the idea of me being something He would want to show off to others seems rather far-fetched. And yet, that is precisely the claim that Scripture makes.

“You were dead in your trespasses and sins…” Paul writes. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ… so that in the ages to come He might show (demonstrate, Amplified Bible) the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” (Ephesians 2:1-7)

The New Living Translation interprets the final verse as, “And so God can always point to us as examples of the incredible wealth of his favor and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us through Christ Jesus.”

Many of us who come from a past of horrid sin find it difficult to see anything redeemable about ourselves. But that is the very point Paul is making! We were dead. We were hopeless. There was nothing we could do to save ourselves. “But God, being rich in mercy…” stepped into our dark and lost condition and saved us—and He did it to make us His trophies!

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God Alone Is Receiving the Glory

Allow me to illustrate the truth of this with the stories of two teenaged boys—Tommy and Clarence. Tommy is a winsome boy who attends a suburban high school. He is also a very good basketball player and his coach utilizes his exceptional talent to lead their team to a winning season. “What a great kid!” exclaim all those who know him. The truth is that anyone could coach a kid who has been gifted with the personality and talent Tommy has.

Meanwhile, down in the inner city, lives a rebellious teenager named Clarence. He has been nothing but trouble to his mother since childhood. In fact, because he is so abrasive, unruly and difficult, people do their best to avoid him. However, one day the high school coach happened by as Clarence was playing some pick-up basketball with friends. He was amazed at his natural ability and immediately befriended him, inviting him to join the varsity team.

Over the next three years, the coach overlooked Clarence’s surly and cocky attitude and did his best to help the troubled teen. He was the kind of trainer who could see beyond a young person’s present condition to what he could become. He showed Clarence that he believed the best about him. This young man had never experienced such kindness and patience. He responded by blossoming into a phenomenon on the court, eventually being recruited by several big universities.

In Tommy’s case, his coach will not receive the accolades; Tommy alone will receive credit for being such “a great kid.” Clarence, on the other hand, became a star for one reason only: he had a great coach who poured himself into the young man’s life.

It is the inner-city coach who provides an apt picture of the Lord. God is not looking for great people; He is searching for great sinners who can join the Hall of Fame of grace. “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast,” Paul went on to write. God alone will receive the glory for what becomes of our lives.

God’s Grace on Display

Paul tells us that “in the ages to come” God will demonstrate “the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” For the longest time I believed the point the apostle was making was that, throughout eternity, the Lord would continue to unveil His grace to us. There is certainly truth in that interpretation, but actually this great demonstration is not primarily for our personal benefit.

To fully understand the main reason God fashions trophies, one must go all the way back to the Garden of Eden. With just three words, “Has God said…?”,  Satan initiated a long-term and systematic campaign to assassinate God’s holy character. He went on to suggest that the Lord was withholding good from Eve, the underlying suggestion being that “God is not trustworthy; He’s in it for Himself.”

For 6,000 years, the Lord has allowed Satan to work his poisonous deception into the minds of mankind. He has maligned God’s character—not just to man—but also to “the rulers and the authorities in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 3:10) God’s righteousness must and ultimately will be vindicated.

A dramatic picture of this is provided for us in Revelation 7:

“After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands; and they cry out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Salvation to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.’ And all the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures; and they fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying, ‘Amen, blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever. Amen.’” (Revelation 7:9-12)

This vast host of saints, standing in “white robes,” clearly understands one thing: “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God…” There, in the light of eternity, when they can look back upon their earth life with undimmed eye, they will clearly grasp how much God did to save their souls. Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones wrote the following about this great day:

“This is to me the most overwhelming thought that we can ever lay hold of, that the almighty, everlasting, eternal God is vindicating Himself and His holy nature and being, by something that He does in us and with us and through us… He is going to put us on display, as it were; there is going to be a glorious exhibition. He is already doing it, but it is going to continue in the ages to come, and at the consummation God is going to open His last great exhibition and all these heavenly powers and principalities will be invited to attend. The curtain will be drawn back and God will say, Look at them! ‘To the intent that now unto the principalities and powers in heavenly places might be known by the church the manifold wisdom of God.’” (1)

I have a feeling that when that day arrives, we will look in vain around us to find one single “Tommy” in that heavenly host. Instead, we will discover that we are standing shoulder-to-shoulder with many “Clarence’s”: trophies to the grace of God.

(1) Dr. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, God’s Way of Reconciliation.

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This is one of many hot-button questions in our day and age. Many years of well-intentioned Christian activism against homosexuality in our country has left the gay community with the impression that Christians are self-righteous and intolerant. Be that as it may, it is still a worthwhile issue to consider.

Before we get into that question, we will need to narrow down our categories a little to make sure we are measuring “like with like.” For instance, a man raping a woman is far worse than two men hooking up for casual sex. So simply putting homosexual activity up against heterosexual sin is too broad of a comparison. Perhaps a better way to ask the question would be, “Is homosexual promiscuity worse than heterosexual promiscuity?” Here we have two similar behaviors distinguished solely by gender orientation.

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We all know instinctively that some crimes in the penal code are worse than others. Obviously murder is more serious than larceny, and it is no different within the legal structure of God’s kingdom. In that light, yes, I believe homosexual promiscuity is “worse than" heterosexual promiscuity. I say this for a number of reasons.

1. First, an argument could be made that Scripture treats homosexuality more seriously. In the Old Testament, this lifestyle, represented by the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, faced stern judgment by God. That divine displeasure was carried into the New Testament when the apostle Paul designated homosexuality as particularly vile behavior in Romans 1.
   
2. Second, while it is sinful for a guy and a girl to engage in extramarital sexual intercourse, their behavior fits within the parameters of “normal” sex—something that cannot be said of sodomy and the like. In fact, Paul uses such terms as “degrading,” “unnatural” and “indecent” when he discusses it in Romans 1.
   
3. Third, homosexual behavior affects a person’s perception of himself, causing him to identify himself more closely with an immoral lifestyle than the godly behavior expected of a believer. The homosexual movement has spawned an entire community and culture within our nation—complete with its own Christian denominations.
   
4. The final reason I believe that homosexual sin is worse is more of a sense than something easily articulated. In my years of ministering in the realm of sexual addiction, it has been clear to me that homosexual activity brings about emotional suffering and a spiritual corruption that runs very deeply. It doesn’t take much to see how deeply gays have been scarred as a result of the course their lives have taken.

So in light of all of that, I repeat: homosexual promiscuity is “worse than" heterosexual promiscuity.

However, there is an issue Jesus raised that I believe trumps this entire question. In Luke 18, He offered a parable that was a similar comparison of sinful behaviors.

The first example was a hard-hearted, arrogant and self-righteous Pharisee. His disdain of others must have seemed particularly nauseating to Jesus. The second man—a “tax collector”—wasn’t much better. For years he had used his official position to rip people off—poor folks, widows or whoever else he could take advantage of. The interesting thing is that Jesus didn’t claim that the sin of the Pharisee was worse than that of the tax collector or vice-versa. He declared the tax collector “justified” before God for one reason only: he had humbled himself before the Lord in deep repentance over his behavior—something the Pharisee was unwilling to do.

So, maybe the question we should be asking has nothing to do with which behavior is worse. Maybe we should be asking, “Is an unrepentant sinner in more trouble with God than a repentant sinner?” The answer to that question would be a resounding, “Yes!”

In this interview with Nathan Boer, we learn how repentance from sin is not only a commandment, but it is also a gift to help lead us out of Satan's control and into a life full of God's Holy Spirit. (from Podcast Episode #373 - Repentance Must Become an Integral Part of a New Lifestyle)

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Jim: Nathan, we are talking today about the subject of repentance and eventually we want to get to the point of how a person repents. But to get us started, talk to me about where we see repentance taught in the New Testament, who taught repentance and what did they say?

Nathan: Men like John the Baptist, Jesus, and the disciples such as Peter. It's hard to get very far in the New Testament without coming across repentance. What really surprises me is how John the Baptist preaches a sermon of repentance prior to preaching repentance to pave the way for Jesus.

Jim: Yeah. Now most people who know John the Baptist, probably remember him as a preacher of repentance. John the Baptist came in the wilderness preaching and saying repent for the Kingdom of God is at hand. We don't remember Jesus that way, but Jesus taught repentance too, right?

Nathan: That’s correct. In Matthew 4:17, Jesus said, “Repent for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand.” He also instructed the disciples, and he summoned the 12 and sent them out in pairs. He gave them authority over unclean spirits, and they went out and preached to men that they should repent.

Jim: Wow. What about the two great apostles of the New Testament, Peter and Paul.

Nathan: Well, at Pentecost Peter told those listening to repent, that they would be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of their sins and to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. So, in order to receive the gift of the Holy Spirit, they had to repent first. They were also instructed to be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of their sins. It's an interesting step by step process there. If you had to summarize Paul’s preaching, everywhere that he went, he taught repentance.

Jim: If we look at John the Baptist, Jesus, the disciples, Peter, and Paul, I think we can call repentance a consistent New Testament theme. There's an interesting dynamic when it comes to repentance, and that dynamic is that repentance is a gift from God, but it is also a command from God. I will get into this a little bit more, but first show us where in the New Testament we are told that repentance is a gift from God.

Nathan: In Acts 11:17-18 it says, “Therefore if God gave to them the same gift as He gave to us also after believing in the Lord Jesus Christ, who was I, that I could stand in God's way. When they heard this, they quieted down and glorified God saying, ‘Well then God has granted to the Gentiles also the repentance that leads to life.’”

Jim: Where else do we find that repentance is a gift from God?

Nathan: While writing to Timothy about dealing with men to whom he speaks in his congregations, or in the community who opposed his message, Paul says, “The Lord's bond servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged, and with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition. If perhaps God may grant them repentance, leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will.” (2 Timothy 2:24, 26)

Jim: I love that passage of scripture, because it tells the man of God how to deal with someone who doesn't want to hear what he has to say. But you're right, it says that God will give to them repentance, and the Jews and the Gentiles received the gift of repentance. Paul is telling Timothy that perhaps somebody who opposes the gospel will be given repentance. God gives repentance as a gift. We are only able to repent because God allows it and enables us to do it. Yet repentance often appears in the New Testament as a command given to men by Godly preachers. We are commanded to repent. Isn't that so?

Nathan: That is correct. It's kind of phenomenal that God commands us to do it and then he gives us the grace to do it. It's as if he tells us “This is what you're going to do, and I know you can't do it. So, I'm going to help you do it, but you have to initiate it.”

Jim: Okay, I think we got it. Repentance is a command, but it's also a gift from God. He demands it, but then he supplies what is needed to fulfill that demand.

Nathan: That's correct. God is intimately equated with all our ways. If we want to repent, He's right there leading us to do it. It's far more likely that if we want to repent, it's because the Holy Spirit has been working on us to bring conviction. He gives us the gift of repentance, which then gives us the grace to do it. God is involved in every aspect of our salvation, enabling us to be obedient in our parts which are repentance and faith. We are commanded to believe, but God gives us the gift of faith. We couldn't do anything without his will and cooperation.

Jim: Well Nathan, Pastor Steve has taught us elsewhere that repentance is total life change. It's a change of mind. It's a change of will. It's a change of emotions. But what I want you to tell our listeners is what to do when you feel the need to repent hands on real time. What does repentance look like? I come to you as my counselor and I say “Nathan, show me how to repent.”

Nathan: First of all Jim, you’ve got to give God all the glory and honor and praise that He led you to desiring repentance at all, because that doesn't come naturally. And then the next thing that I would have anyone do is to pray. I would encourage whomever to renounce the sin that they are convicted of as well as confess that sin, and then thank the Lord for his forgiveness and ask for the gift of repentance. I then might open to Colossians chapter 3, where it talks about how to put off the old man and put on the new man. It's not just the stopping of a bad behavior after I've renounced it, and confessed it, and asked God for repentance. It's also what goes on in the place of what I'm repenting of.
Colossians 3:1-4 says “Therefore if you have been raised with Christ to a new life sharing in His resurrection from the dead, keep seeking the things that are above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind and keep focused habitually on the things above. The Heavenly things, not the things that are on Earth which have only temporal value. For you died to this world and your new real life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.” I could keep going on, but you get the idea. The focus must come off of what we were convicted of and onto God's replacement for it. If I am convicted of lust, I'm looking to God to replace it with His love, which is a characteristic that comes only from Him.

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Jim: You're describing a repentance that isn't a onetime thing. You're describing a repentance that happens all the time for Christians, isn't that right?

Nathan: That's correct. Once you start repenting, you may be tempted to think that it's just a one and done deal. But as you continue to walk out the word of God in your life, you will find that it is a way of life, it is the process of sanctification. It is a constant turning from self and to God so that you can model His character through your life, further glorifying Him in everything that you do and say.

Jim: Being convicted of sin, confessing sin, and renouncing sin, but more importantly putting it off. That's the total change and the putting on is a characteristic or fruit of the Holy Spirit. So really, repentance leads right into sanctification.

Nathan: Yes, repentance is just one step in the direction of sanctified living.

Jim: Thank you very much, you've brought us some really great insight from the Word of God today.

Nathan: Praise the Lord, thank you so much for having me.

As we celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ this Christmas, we look at how He is our Emmanuel. In our sorrow, in our suffering, in our joy, and even in our daily lives, He is there; God with us. Join us as we sit down with Steve and Kathy Gallagher and other staff members from our program to discuss what it meant for God to be with them in different aspects of their lives. God is there for all of us, and we hope that through hearing these testimonies you can look back at your own life and see how He has always been and will always be your Emmanuel.

As we continue our series on becoming a biblical husband, we want to cover another critical aspect of rebuilding a marriage—honesty, transparency and vulnerability. These virtues are essential in marriage, especially for men overcoming sexual sin, because many of them are well versed in hiding their sin and lying. Dustin Renz’s own secret life built up for years. And while he felt that he was protecting those around him through his lies, he now looks back seeing how his deception only prolonged his path into freedom. His wife Brittany shares with us as well the devastating effects his hidden sin had on her, a young mother on the mission field. Together they share with us what it took for them to work through the aftermath of all this in a biblical way.

In this segment, Dustin Renz teaches us how someone can go from a life polluted with selfishness to one that is full of mercy and compassion for others. We find that this miraculous heart change is possible for those in whom God has begun to establish a life of humility. (from Podcast Episode #430 - Exposing the Path of the True Christian Life)

Nate: Dustin, one of the characteristics of a person who is truly humble is that they have a constant awareness of the importance of other people. I want to spend some time on this because I think it can be really eye opening. But before we go there, let's talk about the converse of that. If a person is proud, we could then say that they don't live in a constant awareness of how important other people are doing. As someone who’s been a Pastor for several years, how would you say that prideful people view others?

Dustin: I think when a proud person looks at someone else it's always about what they can get out of them. Depending on the manifestation of pride, it will look different. For the vain person, it might be trying to get attention from others. For the person who loves to talk and thinks they know it all, it might be just getting someone else's time or a compliment. There are a lot of different ways that it can play out.  
A spiritually proud person might look at those he perceives as less spiritual than them to prop themselves up in their own mind. For this kind of person, people always become an opportunity to extract value for personal gain. So, it becomes not about how he can be a blessing to others, but instead what he can get from them. I think that's really at the heart of a proud person.

Nate: The way that you just explained that shows how subtle self-centeredness and selfishness can be. I know for myself oftentimes; it really takes the piercing precise illumination of the Holy Spirit to expose what's really going on inside my heart regarding the way that I relate to other people. Can you share some other ways that we could see the subtleties of selfishness and self-centeredness in people?

Dustin: Yeah, I think that it's important that we allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to us our hearts because a lot of these things we're talking about happen internally, and if we're not conscious of what's happening inside, then will totally miss the manifestations of pride that take place. I think we see it in everyday life. When you go out to eat and your waitress doesn’t bring your food to you the way that you wanted it, or it's taken too long, are you treating that person like someone who's created in the image of God, or are they just an inconvenience? Is your schedule so important that you totally forget that they're going through things in their lives that you don't even know about? Or you're walking around and meet a homeless person, and instead of showing them love in some way, even if it's just to greet them or pray for them, you just move on, because you see them as an inconvenience.
I think of myself rushing through the grocery store and trying to get in line in front of people thinking my agenda is more important than everyone else's and somehow what I've got going on trump's everyone else around me. You see it also in how you spend your time. How much time you are spending on yourself versus pouring into other people can show the priority in your life in that area, or even how you spend your money. Are all the resources God has given you used for self, or are you allocating them to help be a blessing to other people?
I think there are a lot of ways we all have this struggle in our lives. We can see it if we really pay attention to it. I think the ultimate thing is that when you're at the center of everything in your mind there's definitely some pride that will rise up. When you become the all-important thing, your agenda, your money and your priorities become way more important than anyone else's.

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Nate: Let’s talk now about a humble person, someone who is constantly living with the awareness of the importance of other people. How do we see that playing out in that person's life?

Dustin: It’s the exact opposite of what we talked about with the proud person. Rather than becoming so conscious of self, they become conscious of other people. When they are interacting with someone, it's not always about what they can get from them, it's also about what they can give to them. “How can I pour into you?” becomes the focus. As opposed to trying to grab listening ears for self, they's going to be that listening ear for someone else. Instead of expecting everyone to compliment them about how great they are, they're going to be the one to encourage and be a compliment to others. All the things that a proud person would do for self, instead they're willing to give them away instead of trying to take them for themselves. A humble person just wants to love others and to be a blessing and encouragement to people.

Nate: It's incredible that there are so many different fruits of humility. For the vain person, as they begin to be humbled, it's going to look one way. For the spiritually proud person, it's going to look another way, and for the self-centered person it will look completely different. But in the end all of the fruit comes from humility. Could you share a little of your own testimony? When God began to humble you, how did you begin to see the importance of others?

Dustin: I really began to notice it when I was in the Pure Life Residential Program. I remember when I first came into the program, I was so full of myself. I was dominating conversations. Everything was always about me and what I could get out of other people. But I started to notice the Lord was really reversing my heart when I had brothers in the program that I could reach out to and ask, “Hey how are you doing?” They would share their burden and what they were going through in their life, and I noticed that I actually cared. It became something that I was concerned about, and I'd follow up with that brother to pray with them and try to do whatever I could to help them.
       I noticed that people's needs and what they had going on in their life became a priority for me. It got to the point where I’d wake up and wonder “How is so and so doing?  I need to go find out.” I began to try and find ways to show mercy to multiple people, and it was totally different than previously, where I was always trying to get for self. I think when you begin to see that change and humility begins to set in, you'll notice internally that you will care more. The vain person will begin to care more about the image of other people more than their own image, and the spiritually proud person will instead of looking down on others, begin to see God working in their lives and have a merciful heart toward them. When they begin to give away whatever that thing is they were trying to obtain for themselves and see the value in other people, that's when they really begin to see how God can change their heart. It will blossom into a lifestyle where that becomes simple in their everyday life, and they don't have to think about it anymore to live that way. Their whole life becomes focused on other people, and they don't have a whole lot of time to focus on themselves.

Nate: Anytime you're allowing God to deeply change some aspect of your life, you realize that it's a journey. You don't just arrive there overnight. There are temptations, there are difficulties, there are setbacks, and there are failures. We've been talking about how important it is to begin to put the needs of others above our own, but sin is so deceptive. Even at times where we find ourselves trying to put the needs of others first and we are serving, it can still become a really subtle way for us to serve ourselves again. As a full-time Pastor, do you find that temptation to be true?

Dustin: Yes, I think ministry is a great example. As a minister myself, I see that the chief end of ministry is to serve other people. Ministers are essentially supposed to be giving their lives for others, but I've seen this as a struggle in my own life especially, when I think about Bible School. I was in a class of students that would be future pastors, worship leaders, and teachers. People who had a real desire to give their lives to the Lord in service and yet there was still a mixture of self in there.
I was thinking out of all the people I met in Bible School and went to school with, and all of us had great aspirations. We wanted to be the Pastors of the next mega churches or recorded worship artists; everybody had this desire to have some kind of fame. Of course, as you know, the American church culture really plays a big part in that. But I can't remember anybody who said, “I just want to have a small church out in the country with 20 people in it and just faithfully serve Jesus with those people.” The faithfulness to the call to serve other people was downplayed and the focus became how they could be seen by other people.
I fell into the same trap myself early on when I decided to do music ministry. I began to perform in concerts and be in front of people and while the label of Jesus was on it, and I sincerely desired in some ways to serve the Lord with it, at some point it began to become about me and how other people saw me. That balance kind of got out of whack, where it ended up being very self-serving without me even really realizing it. So, I think there's always a danger, whether you are a minister or even if you serve people in other ways in your regular Christian life. We must take care of our hearts so that we're not doing things for other people just to check it off the list and say, “Oh I was humble today.” Then it really becomes about what I did. It really comes down to having a heart that desires to help other people and if we don’t have that, we need to ask the Lord to give us a real concern for the importance and priorities of other people's lives.

Nate: With that in mind, could you give some practical exhortations to somebody who's saying yes, I want my service to the Lord to be pure and not mixed with selfish desire?

Dustin: I would tell that person that they need to look at Jesus as their example for true humility. He created the entire universe, yet when He came to the earth, He came to serve other people, not to be served. He said that himself. We see Him washing the feet of His own creation, His disciples. We also see Him ministering to the outcasts of society. The example that He led us to follow is being obedient and obeying God, even in the little things that no one else notices. In Matthew 25, in the parable of the sheep and the goats, He says to the sheep “When I was hungry and thirsty, you gave me something to eat and drink. When I was sick and in prison you came to visit me. When I didn't have clothes on, you clothed me.” They say, “Well, when did we do that?” And His response is, “You did that when you did it to the least of these.”
So you and I, as we're walking through our daily lives, our whole goal shouldn't be to try to achieve some certain level of expectation. Whether it’s being concerned about what people think of us or elevating ourselves in some way, it should be to simply obey God in our everyday lives. It should be about ministering to people in small ways that maybe no one else will ever see. It could just be in your prayer life as you walk through the grocery store or as you're out at work praying for people internally.
You don't get rewards on earth for that or a claim for that, but God sees it and He promises to reward us on the other side. I think it's important for us to realize that we should never seek to be elevated. God is the one who chooses to elevate people. We should choose to humble ourselves. What that looks like in everyday life is looking for opportunities to be a blessing to other people and to pray for others. We need to make other people's concerns more important than our own. As we do that, we'll find ourselves walking in humility. If God chooses to lift us up in some way, that's up to Him, but our desire should be “Jesus, I just want to serve you in the smallest things, and if no one else sees it but you, I'll be okay with that.”

It was a hot summer day in Eastern Europe. My wife and I were working with the leadership of a youth movement as missionaries and were helping host their annual summer camp. Teens from around the country had gathered to spend a few days in worship services, fellowship and a schedule of activities aimed at bringing excitement and camaraderie to these young Christians. The atmosphere was charged with enthusiasm as each day passed.

Although no one would have suspected it, but much of my free time was given to pursuing the pornography, drug and alcohol addictions that ravaged my life. I was the last conference speaker, and as the final day drew closer, I felt apprehensive. Ministry had become drudgery and carrying on the religious façade was becoming increasingly wearisome. Yet, even in this condition, pride was welling up in my heart. “I’ll show the other speakers how this is done.”

As I approached the pulpit, I breathed the usual “Help me, Lord” prayer that had become the extent of my prayer life. My sermon was about the Holy Spirit, and I knew that if He did not touch the teenagers like I told them He would, I would look like a fool. Yet I had little reason to doubt that He would, based on the track record of our ministry. As I began to share the Word of God with these young people, speaking about the reality of the Holy Spirit, He showed up. Many began to weep as I preached, and when I gave the altar call, there was a beautiful time of seeking the Lord.

While I should have been on my face repenting before the Lord in that atmosphere, a very opposite reaction occurred. As so often before, I walked away feeling good about my relationship with God. “Surely everything must be fine if He would anoint me like that!” I thought to myself. I had learned to cling to “the anointing on my life” as the last shred of evidence that I was still right with God. It had been a long time since my character and lifestyle provided any hope that I was walking with Jesus. Was His anointing not proof that everything was okay? He would not use someone in ministry if they were not in right relationship with Him, would He?

Ministry had become a covering for my secret life of sin. As long as I was under the umbrella of serving Jesus, I was convinced that somehow it made bondage to sexual sin excusable.

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A year later, I found myself sitting in the chapel at Pure Life Ministries. I cannot remember which staff member was speaking, or the context of the meeting, but I will never forget the truth that the Lord revealed to me that day. The reading was from Matthew 7:21-23, which says:

“Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’”

I had read these verses many times before, but had never allowed the truth to penetrate my heart. Years of rationalizing my sin had enabled me to read through the Bible with a film over my spiritual eyes. I had become a master at distorting Scriptural truths to comfort myself in my rebellion.

But, in a moment my eyes were opened that day to the meaning of Jesus’ words that day. What shocked me most was the fact that the people in these verses who were coming to Jesus were not your average “Sunday Christians.” Their argument for being allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven was that they had prophesied, cast out demons and performed miracles. Certainly, they had to have a good deal of spiritual understanding to accomplish these feats.  Jesus did not disagree that they performed these works. He simply drew the line at the fact that He did not know them.

The implications of this passage were startling. I realized that if someone can perform miracles and not know Jesus, certainly I could preach an anointed sermon and have some fruit in my ministry without knowing Him as well. And in my case, I was banking on the fact that, not only would my ministry be evidence of a true walk with God, but also that the blatant sin I was involved in would somehow be overlooked. How many times throughout my life had I leaned on the fact that the Lord seemed to be using my ministry as evidence that I knew Him? Yet this Scripture clearly shows that being used of God does not make up for a life of lawlessness.

So why would the Lord use someone in sin? Why would He pour through a vessel whose heart is not truly His? In processing these questions, I have come to two conclusions.

1. God honors His Word. The Word of God is the truth, regardless of the messenger who delivers it. The fact that the Lord will touch people’s lives at the preaching of the Gospel is simply proof that the words being spoken are true. It does not necessarily mean the Lord has put His stamp of approval on the minister.
2. The Lord loves the people who are being ministered to. The teenagers in that summer camp were deeply loved by God. He gave the life of His Son for each one of them. His presence touching their lives was not evidence of a godly preacher, but proof of His mighty love for those in the audience.

In short, professing Christians who believe that somehow the lawlessness of sexual addiction will somehow be overlooked because God is using them in some way, need to examine Matthew 7:21-23 carefully. There is still time now to repent of habitual sin and allow the Lord to bring them into a true relationship with Him. Waiting for the Judgment to find out if their works are ample evidence that they should be allowed into the kingdom of heaven would be absolutely foolish. Rather than hearing the Savior say, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” the last words they will hear Him speak are, “I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.”

Married men who come to our residential program often tell us that they love their wives. But these words contradict their actions, which have been permeated with viewing pornography, committing adultery, and engaging in  other forms of illicit sex. Once a man begins to see this and to repent, putting the words “I love you” into action will be one of his greatest undertakings. When the father loved us, it meant that he gave us his son; when Christ loved us it involved laying down his life. This is the standard for all of us, and especially for husbands: love that gives all and holds nothing back.

Resources

From Ashes to Beauty (Book) by Jeff Colon