‍In this segment, Dustin Renz shares how he came to seek God and have total dependence on Him. He encourages us that when we develop a lifestyle of crying out to God, God will respond and do many wonderful things for us. (From Podcast #449 - Laying Hold of the Promise) 

Dustin: When I first came to Pure Life, I was very full of myself. I was full of spiritual pride and my attitude was, “What are these people going to be able to teach me that I don't already know?” In one of my first counseling appointments, my counselor gave me an assignment. He said, “I want you to just begin to cry out to the Lord throughout your day. When you're experiencing trouble or hardships, or whatever is going on, I want you just ask the Lord for help.” And he said, “It might feel kind of mechanical at first, but I want you to go ahead and do it.”

      So, I remember just doing what he said to check it off the list. I prayed, “God, I need you.”  I would go through some situation, and I’d pray, “God, I really need you.” In the beginning it felt very lifeless. But what the Lord did was begin to answer that cry in a way that I didn't expect. He began to show me my heart. He showed me what I was really like. He began to peel off layer after layer of selfishness and pride. I'd be in a conversation with somebody, and the Lord would just bring conviction of the things I was saying and the motive behind them.

      I'd read books in the program, or do studies, or hear sermons, but it was like everything was directed at God showing me my heart with its sinfulness and spiritual arrogance. It was over weeks and months that the Lord continually allowed me to see what I was really like.  He brought me to the place where I was so heavy laden with this burden on my heart, of what I was like, that I remember just crying out to the Lord. I told Him, “God, I see what you're saying about me! I agree with you. I'm in agreement with how much of a Pharisee I am, how selfish I am and how I've lived my life really for myself. But I really need your help because I can't take this anymore! I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this burden.”

     It was around that time my wife called one day. We had been talking a couple of times a week, and she said, “This week I think we need to fast our phone calls, and you need to seek the Lord.” So, I remember thinking, “Okay Lord, this is out of character for her. This must be you.” And I remember going into the chapel each night for quite a period of time, putting on worship music and getting on my hands and knees and just really doing business with God. I was really crying out to him for help, and saying “God, I need you to come and change me. I admit who I am and what you said about me, and what you’ve shown me, but I need you to change my heart. I can't do it on my own.” 

      I went in there each night throughout that week, and I encountered the Lord in a way of His love being poured out on me, and He began to show me that my only hope was Him. It was a turning point where I began to stop looking at myself, and I began to look for Him for help. And it became a cry that has lasted all these years later. I still have that place of dependence and crying out to the Lord. But it really all took place by me crying out to Him, and Him responding by showing me the ugliness of my heart, and then me repenting of that. 

Patrick: Dustin in our culture today, we're getting to the point where if someone says something negative it’s characterized as mean spirited, or bigoted or judgmental. Many people would think that the experience you had when you were in the program, where God was continuing to show you how sinful you are, would be cruel of Him or even emotionally damaging. But you don't describe the experience that way. It sounds like it was very painful. But all I've heard you talk about what came from that is how grateful you are for that time, and that you needed it. So why do you think it was necessary for God to lead you through that painful process?

Dustin: When I look back on that time, I think that it was His mercy being expressed to me. Because what if he hadn't done that? I think of the inverse. What if God hadn't shown me my heart, and hadn't led me into repentance, and I hadn't had to walk through that pain, but instead He left me where I was. That's the alternate. Then I would still be in sin, or who knows where I would be today.

       So, it was a necessary pain that I had to walk through. And part of it was that it was all self-inflicted pain. It was the stuff that I had created, the life I had lived, the pride that I had had. And so, the pain I was experiencing was the pain of seeing that—the pain of remorse, but it was over the things I had done. So it wasn't like God was inflicting me with pain, just for the sake of pain. He was extending mercy and trying to help me see the things that I needed to see in order to get free.

      For example, the pride in my life. If he hadn't shown me my spiritual pride, I couldn’t have dealt with it and gotten free from it. So, I see it as His mercy and I'm very grateful for it because I don't want to be left where I was. I've heard it said before that God loves us the way we are, but he loves us too much to keep us the way we are. I think that's what was happening there. He loved me where I was at, but He saw all these things in my life that He would have to deal with in order to get me free. And that was the freedom that I was crying out for. Therefore, it was just a necessary part of the process.

Patrick: Right. It's like when Hebrews describes that He disciplines us. If you're working out, it's painful to work out, but it's building something good over time.

Dustin: Yes, it's pain with a purpose.

Patrick: Yeah. And I think we see that God does love to answer that cry as He's building that need in us. But what can be confusing for us is that God doesn't always answer that cry that He puts in us right away. For you, it was a long time that you were beginning to see that need until it finally culminated in that week in the chapel. So, from your point of view, what are some of the reasons God might delay His answer for someone who's desperately and earnestly seeking Him? 

Dustin: I think part of the issue when we're talking about that is that God doesn't always respond in the way that we think He's going to respond. In my experience, I wanted him just to set me free and hit the easy button and everything goes away. And part of His response was Him showing me my heart. That was part of His answer to my cry. It just didn't look like the way I thought it was going to look.  

       Oftentimes, God is doing something in the crying out, there's something happening inside of us that is part of the answer. Just the fact that we're crying out to him, it connects us with Him and builds relationship. I think sometimes we're looking for some kind of experience, and that specific thing is not what God is doing in that moment. It may lead to that, like it did for me. There was a breakthrough moment, but I see all those weeks and months of crying out as part of the answer to my prayer.

      The other thing is that God's timing is perfect. We have to trust that He knows what we need, and when we need it. Our job is just to do the crying out to Him. That's what we do, it’s our part. And we also have to trust that He's doing His part, and He'll do His part in due time. To the person who says, “Well God's not answering my cry,” I would encourage them: don't get discouraged. Just trust the Lord's character. He's good. He promises in His word on multiple occasions that He'll answer the cry of His people. So just have faith and believe that He's doing something in the season you're in, and just continue to cry out to Him until you see the breakthrough that you're crying out for.

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Patrick: That's good. I think we need to take a moment and offer a word of warning here. Because sometimes we see people who want victory over sin, but when God tries to lead them through this process that you're describing of really coming to the end of themselves, they keep avoiding it or side-stepping it. What would you say to someone who's in that situation?

Dustin: I would say to that person that by side-stepping the process, they are prolonging the victory that they're crying out for. If you picture a room in a house with one door, and the room is freedom from sin. It’s the victory. It’s whatever they're crying out for. If they get into that room, they're free. There's one door to get in. You can't get in any other way, there's no windows, there's no other way. But the door is repentance and the only way to get into that room is through repentance, which involves a breaking down process. It involves God showing us our sin, it involves us having remorse. So, all those painful things that they're trying to avoid is the only solution. They can side-step it forever, but they will never walk through that door. 

      I would encourage them that the pain is temporal. And the pain is also a good pain, because it's a pain that leads to victory. A lot of hard things in life require that we walk through a measure of pain. But if we walk through it, not only is there victory on the other side, but God walks with us through the door. We don't want to forget God is with us in that process. He has not forsaken us. The fact that he's revealing our hearts and is showing us these things is proof that He's working. And so, picture yourself walking with God hand in hand through this process that will lead into the victory that you're crying out for.

      When we talk about crying out to the Lord, I think it's important that we understand the importance of our desperation. When I was crying out to the Lord, it was a time of crisis. I was at Pure Life, my marriage was falling apart. I was in sexual sin, and there were a lot of things going on. And so, I was pretty desperate for the Lord to come and do something. But what happened was that the cry that began with my counselor saying, “I need you to cry out to the Lord,” has turned into a lifestyle that still exists today. On a normal basis I'm crying out to the Lord. I need the Lord for everything. I realize that in and of myself, I have nothing. But with Him, He's the one that provides all that I need.

      There's a scripture in Hebrews 11 that talks about God being a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. I've seen that as I've continued to cry out to the Lord all these years. The Lord has just filled my life with blessing. He restored my marriage years ago and brought my wife and I back together. He's blessed me with three wonderful daughters, and He’s restored me into the ministry. When I got out of Pure Life, I wasn't able to preach. But He's restored me. And I recently was ordained with our denomination. I’ve just seen God's hand of blessing throughout my life.

      And of course, that includes freedom from sin. I'm not walking in sexual sin. I'm not living in that. That's been a fruit or benefit of the crying out to the Lord. But it's way beyond that. He's just given me a wonderful life. I walk in the peace of God. Yes, I have my struggles. I have issues that I walk through, but I'm walking through life with Him and ultimately that's the reward. When you seek after Him, you get Him in your life. All the goodness and the blessings are just side benefits to actually having the Lord and a real relationship with Him.

Patrick: Dustin, one of the things that's been such a great comfort to me in my life is that God promises that He will respond to the cry of the needy. But the truth is when we're in sin, or maybe when we're just going through something that's difficult, we often have a very hard time believing that. So, I want you to give listeners a couple of scripture verses that have really encouraged you to take God at His word, and to cry out to him when you've really been in need.  

Dustin: Sure. One of the scriptures that has stuck with me over the years in Matthew 5:3 in the Beatitudes, the first one. Jesus said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit for they will inherit the Kingdom of God.” The word poor in spirit literally translates to spiritual beggars. And this is a picture of people who can't do anything without God. And really, that's how He's designed us to be. I’ve had to get over the macho man mindset, thinking I can do things on my own, and self-sufficiency and independence.

     It's okay for us to be dependent on the Lord because He created us to be that way. It’s like my kids. When I've got a newborn baby, we don’t expect her to have the answers, or be able to feed herself, or to change herself. She’s just a helpless infant. And if we don't take care of her, she won't be able to survive. It's kind of like that in the spiritual realm where all of us are like that in our flesh. Jesus said, “You can do nothing without me” (John 15:5). So, it's okay to not have the answers, and to need to cry out to God. It's okay to be in situations where you don't know what to do, or where you're struggling in some area of life and to go to God and say, “Lord, I'm just coming to you as a spiritual beggar. God, please help me.” He's always faithful to respond. And so that's the peace that we have.  

      Another passage that I think is really helpful is Psalm 34. I'd encourage anyone to read through it. David's going through a very hard time,and multiple times he talks about crying out to the Lord. Verse four says, “I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.” Verse six says, “This poor man called and the Lord heard him; He saved him out of all of his troubles.” Verse seventeen says, “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.” There's this idea of a cause and effect. As people cry out to God, or as God's children cry out to him, He always responds. 

      David's writing from this place of confidence. So, I know that when I cry out to the Lord, He's going to answer me, in His wisdom and His timing. Likewise, as a father myself, if my children cry out that they need me, I'm going to run to them. It's because of my compassion for them. My love for them is going to cause me to respond. It's the same thing with God as our Heavenly Father and us, as His children. When we cry out to Him, there’s compassion that He has for us. He's going to respond. He's going to reach out to us. He's not holding back from us. He's not trying to withhold anything. He's going to give it to us in His timing. He just knows the best wisdom and timing to do it.  

      I would encourage anyone to go through Psalm 34. But there are multiple passages throughout the whole book of the Bible that are all about people crying out to the Lord and Him responding. He's the same God today, and He'll do the same thing for the person who cries out today as He did throughout the whole of scripture.

The pain of sexual sin to a betrayed spouse is enormous. Many of these wives have lost all hope for their marriage ever being restored. Any possibility of trust and real intimacy with their husband in the future has been utterly abandoned.

Even after God does a deep transformation in a husband through one of our programs, the road to restoring purity in that couple’s marriage bed still seems difficult and for many impossible.

I, Rose, can testify to this in my own life. Jeff’s sin seemed so insurmountable, so dark. I had lost all hope of having the intimacy restored that we once had, the intimacy that every wife longs for when she finally finds the man she believes God has brought into her life. Intimacy between us had become something unclean and dirty.

I can remember times when I would weep as I allowed the tormenting memories of all that he had done with others rob me of the joy of being intimate with my husband. It was like a pack of vultures flying around our marriage bed seeking to devour any life that was left between us.  

For me, Jeff, there was a whole different set of problems. Prior to finally finding true repentance and a life in God that I never thought possible, my view of sexuality and my marriage on a whole was very self-centered. I had bought into the lie that sex in all its forms exists to provide pleasure to the lust-driven partaker.

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For so many years this way of thinking had become ingrained, so much a part of who I was. I had to allow the Lord to give me a new mind about these things.

We wanted to experience the sexual intimacy promised by the God of the Bible, but didn’t have the faith or the pathway to find it. But we did believe this, that the answers were somewhere in Scripture; we did believe “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:16-17)

Six Steps to Pure Sex

1. Renew your minds. Ephesians 43:22-23 tells us to “put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind.” We realized we had to put behind us all the old and start focusing on the new. That meant putting our past failures under the blood, and begin the process of being made new in all things, especially our minds. The mind is where most of our issues come from, the way we think, and then act. For me, Rose, this meant the difficult work of abandoning thoughts of what Jeff had done to me. These thoughts had imprisoned me and kept me from the pleasure God wanted us to enjoy together.
   
2. Put on righteousness. Paul goes on in Ephesians 4:24 to command us to “put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.” To put off sin and not put on righteousness leaves the house empty. For me, Jeff, this meant beginning to look at intimacy with Rose as a time of expressing love to her, not a time to satisfy my lust as in the past. It meant following the advice of King Solomon, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.” (Proverbs 5:18 – 19) It meant taking all the passion that had been misdirected before to vain things and showering it all on Rose.
   
3. Choose to be a blessing. For me, Rose, this meant turning to God in my heart and seeking Him to give me the desire to be a blessing to my husband even when everything in me felt justified not to. As I began to submit my will to God’s will for the marriage bed, I had to believe God to change my heart towards Jeff.
   
4. Ask, seek, and knock. Jesus gave us many promises on prayer especially during his last days on earth, among them, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8) We began to seek the Lord together and ask God to restore purity in our marriage bed. We prayed together every time we were going to be together sexually, and God was faithful to do a work in both of us.
   
5. Glorify God. Paul commands us in 1 Corinthians 10:31, “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” We had to come to consider sexual intimacy between us as a God-given gift and as a means to glorify Him. A pure and pleasure-filled marriage bed beautifully expresses and glorifies Jesus and the Father’s love for us. When God is in the midst of our lovemaking, and we are focused on pleasing Him and each other, we have found a beautiful, fulfilling and lasting oneness that we never thought possible.
   
6. Read up. Another thing that helped us along the way was going through a book called Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat, which I would recommend for any couple wanting a biblical look at sexual intimacy. This is important because a lot of the time we don’t realize how much our perspectives and views of sexuality have been distorted by unbiblical influences throughout lives.

Above all, we had to trust God to change us, to do what we knew we could not do in our own strength. We had to believe Jesus’ words in Matthew 19:26 which were intended to a rich man entering the kingdom of heaven could just as easily be applied to this matter of restoring purity in the marriage bed. “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Please don’t limit the power of God and the Cross of Jesus Christ. There is unfathomable power in the blood of Christ. Jesus’ blood paid for our sin, reconciles us to God, purges our dead conscience, cleanses us from all unrighteousness, and can wholly sanctify us.

Christ died to give us new life, a new life that can pervade and sanctify everything we do. We testify to you that God has cleansed our marriage bed, and has made it into something beautiful. There is now a bond between us that only God could have brought about. It is our prayer that you too may come to know the cleansing, healing and redemptive power in your marriage bed of all that He has purchased on the Cross for you.

In this final episode of our Victory series, we’re going to look at some of the fruits that come out of a life lived in the Spirit of God’s mercy. We’ll look at purity, gratitude, humility, and what it truly means to know God. We’ll then look at the importance of persevering in this godly life by examining the story of King Solomon and some of the pitfalls that can beset even the most sincere saint.

‍

Resources

• Living in Victory through the Power of Mercy (Book) by Steve Gallagher

‍In this segment, we address with Pastor Ed Buch some of the common misconceptions as well as their corresponding truths concerning the subject of sexual sin in today’s culture. (From Podcast Episode#315 - Why Understanding Addiction Won't Change You)

Brooks: Joining me in the studio now is Ed Buch. He is the Director of Counseling here at Pure Life, and he's also the campus pastor of our residential campus. So, Pastor it's good to have you in here today.

Ed: Hi Brooks, it's great to be here with you.

Brooks: Pastor Ed, I've been thinking recently about the men who come to our programs and the stories we hear all the time. Everybody who comes here has a story of their background before arriving on campus, and a lot of times the stories we hear have similarities. Underneath those similarities, I found there to be a number of different myths that people come here believing. These myths come from their backgrounds, which oftentimes is a church background. So, I wanted to talk to you today about myths that Christians can believe about sexual addiction. And wondered if you minded us exploring a few of those with you?

Ed: I'd be happy to do that Brooks. Because it's very true what you just said, that the men that come here are coming out of church backgrounds, but there are a lot of myths that are embedded in their thinking.

Brooks: It's very true. Well, first for today's segment, I wanted to talk about the problem of sexual sin itself, and some of the myths that people believe about that problem. Depending on who you talk to, some people might even say sexual sin is not a problem in their church. What would you say to those folks?

Ed: Yeah, I think it's definitely getting harder and harder to maintain that illusion that sexual sin is not a problem in the church today. But there probably still are those who are just oblivious to it, or in denial over that situation. Because study after study is getting done now; surveys and polls are being done on a regular basis by people like the Barna Group and Focus on the Family, which are qualified organizations. They are really looking into these things and are consistently churning out numbers that tell us that fifty percent of the men in a congregation are addicted to pornography. Twenty percent of the women in a congregation are addicted to pornography. Focus on the Family did a poll that said that forty seven percent of families say that porn is a problem in their home.

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And none of this should be really shocking because one of the stats that I saw recently was that eighteen percent of pastors are addicted to pornography. I'm using the word addicted here Brooks. It's not just that these people are occasionally consuming something that they shouldn't. These are men and women who are compulsively addicted to pornography and other forms of sexual sin. It's a huge problem in the church.

But do you know what always stands out to me hand in hand when I see these statistics? I've read the letters to the churches in the Book of Revelation, and two of them specifically mention sexual sin as an issue in the church. What that tells me is that sexual sin in the church has been a problem, it is a problem, and it is going to continue to be a problem, even as we go through the very end times.

Brooks: Let's talk now about the idea that a lot of people have, that sexual sin is just impossible for a Christian to overcome in their lives. What would you say to that so called myth?

Ed: Yeah, that is definitely a very common thought, especially by those who are in sexual sin. Because they've come to that place where they've tried some things, some quick fixes to get out of it. Undoubtedly, at least, before they’ve come to Pure Life Ministries. I think that's universally been the case. But they are bound up in this hopelessness, and because of that, this lie that sexual sin is somehow impossible to overcome just takes deep root in them.

What stands out to me is a passage of scripture. In 1 Corinthians 6, beginning in verse nine, Paul writes, “Don't be deceived, neither fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites…” And he goes on to name some other people, thieves, covetous people, drunkards and so on. He says these people will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But here's the great news. Look at the next phrase: “And such were some of you” (1 Corinthians 6:11). Paul is clearly saying that sexual sin can be overcome. He’s inferring that, “Some of you were brought out of that.” He goes on, “But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God.”

That's the hope that I would want to give anyone who falls for that lie from the enemy that sexual sin cannot possibly be overcome. I'm telling you, when you work here at Pure Life Ministries, there's no doubt that sexual sin can be overcome because we see it on a regular basis. We're surrounded by stories of victory. Even every employee here has that as a personal testimony, that they have come out of sexual sin. And we deal with, I think it’s over 500 men and women a year now in our various counseling services. And all of them, at least the vast majority of them, are going to go on to live a life free from their sexual sin.

Brooks: That's really encouraging. I had one more question for you today. There’s a myth that we sometimes hear that some particular sexual sins aren't really that big of an issue. I'm sure you might know what I'm referring to when I bring that up. But it's something that even if people don't say it, they often times have it in their minds. What would be your response?

Ed: Sure. Well, let's first go back to the verse I just quoted out of 1 Corinthians 6, where Paul was writing and saying that these various ones will not inherit the Kingdom of God. Among them he listed fornicators, adulterers, homosexuals and sodomites. That pretty well covers abroad list of sexual sinners right there. So, I suppose the other issue that isn't on that list, that really most people latch onto, is masturbation. When it comes to this issue of masturbation, there are many who believe that it's not a sin. Even some pastors may teach that sort of thing, that masturbation is not a sin.

But I can tell you this.  I've been in addictions counseling for over 20 years and in my ministry experiences, I can assure you that just like cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana, those things that are the gateways to harder drug use and abuse, masturbation is a gateway to other forms of sexual sin. And sin always begins in the heart. So, when Jesus addressed sexual sin, and He did, that’s exactly what He pointed to. Do you remember the passage in Matthew, in the Sermon on the Mount? He said that if a man looks at someone lustfully, he's committing adultery in his heart (Matthew 5:28). And so, whether I look at someone literally walking by or driving by, or something, and I'm looking at them lustfully, or whether it's simply happening in my mind's eye while I'm masturbating, I'm still committing sin. I’m committing the sin of adultery in my heart. And when I fantasize and masturbate, that's what's going on.

Then Jesus went on to say shortly after that, that it's from within, it’s out of the heart of men that proceed evil thoughts, or fantasies,or you might say adulteries, fornication, and so on (Matthew 15:19). Jesus is telling us that those more offensive, deeper forms of sexual sin are actually rooted in our heart. They arise out of our hearts. So, when masturbation is corrupting our hearts, it's feeding into those other forms of sin that will eventually flow and follow out of that same heart.

Do you know what I find in our counseling, Brooks? There are a lot of men who want to hold on to that sin masturbation and make it some kind of a pet sin that they don't have to give up.  They'll give up a lot of other things, but not that one. And they'll continue to struggle with that one for a little while. And that's why in his book At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, Steve Gallagher devotes an entire chapter to this topic of masturbation. Because it is one of those myths that people have held onto, that it's not really a sin. He addresses that pretty thoroughly in the book.

The bottom line to all of this, Brooks, is that masturbation, of which some people use the term self-gratification, and I've seen more and more recently, people are even just calling it self-sex; all of those terms, whichever one you choose, they’re pointing to the root of selfishness. I'm literally having sex with myself if I'm engaged in masturbation. So, if you look at the whole of Scripture, the full teaching out of the Bible, there is no way you can defend such a selfish behavior as being compatible with your Christianity.

Brooks: I can definitely sense the seriousness of this problem of sexual sin. What would you leave our listeners with today, now that we've sort of unpacked the seriousness of this issue?

Ed: Well Brooks, I would hope that the listeners fully understand that there is a way out. There is hope. This ministry has been around for over 30 years for exactly that reason, so that men can find a way out, and women can find a way out of their addiction. They don't need to stay in that cycle of despair.

Brooks: There is hope. That's an encouraging note to end on. Thank you, Pastor Ed.

Ed: You’re welcome, Brooks.

As soon as his wife pulled out of the driveway, Pastor Jessie booted up his computer. With shaking hands, he moved through the screens into the pornographic areas of the Internet he had become so familiar with. His anticipation mounted as he clicked on one of his favorite sites. Jessie did not realize that his wife had been suspecting that he had a problem. That morning, she decided to sneak into the house to see what he was up to. She was in the room before he knew it. The look of horror and betrayal on her face when she saw the computer screen would haunt him for months to come.

Jessie’s story could be multiplied by millions. According to statistics, internet pornography is raking in billions of dollars in revenues every year. One researcher estimates that 60 million Americans have visited sexually explicit web sites. Tragically, the percentage of Christian men involved is not much different than that of the unsaved. According to most surveys, at least 17% of Christians regularly view pornography. The internet has made the raunchiest sexual images available at a click of the mouse in the privacy of one’s home or office.

Many ministers and laypeople share a similar story to Pastor Jessie’s. Upon completing Bible College, he entered ministry with a sincere desire to “walk in a manner pleasing to the Lord.” At first, he maintained a healthy relationship with God, ministering to his flock out of the spiritual abundance that came from his vibrant devotional life. Eventually people began flocking to his church. This taste of success drove Jessie on. As his ever-increasing responsibilities demanded more of his time, his prayer life began to dwindle. When he did try to pray, heaven seemed closed to him. Rather than spending time in the Word seeking the spiritual nourishment he needed personally, he simply spent his time looking for sermon material. Over a period of months, the fountain of life had dried up for him. True, his ministry continued to flourish, but inwardly he was growing increasingly apathetic and cold-hearted.

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Jessie didn’t realize it, but his spiritual listlessness made him an open target for the enemy. During this period of time, he began having occasional lustful thoughts. At first, he would shut them out, but as time went on, he increasingly entertained them. One day, while on the Internet, the thought came to him to type a sexual phrase in the search engine. With a mounting curiosity and a depleted spiritual life, he gave in to the temptation. What came up on the screen was so electrifying to him that he spent two hours rushing through dozens of adult websites. Jessie had just entered the dark realm of pornography.

Over the next several months, this once-godly-man plunged deeper and deeper into the sewers of perverted images. He kept telling himself that he would quit, not realizing that every single visit to a porn site was digging him into a deeper pit that would be harder to climb out of. Getting caught by his wife was a beginning, but he had developed a serious addiction by this time. He soon found out how weak his promises to quit were. The following excerpt from my book At The Altar Of Sexual Idolatry explains this:

"As the addict enters the beginning stage of remorse, he will often make certain promises to God vowing never to repeat the same sin again: ‘Lord, I swear I won’t do this ever again!’ As his eyes are opened to the reality of the horrible emptiness and nature of his sin, he readily makes such a vow; for, it is at this moment that he truly sees sin for what it really is.

However, the problem with making such a resolution is that it stems from the man’s own strength and determination to resist and overcome an evil. This sort of "promise-keeping" will never endure future temptations in the same area. It is for this exact reason that the sex addict has attempted countless times before to break the habit, yet to no avail.

The man desperately needs repentance. True repentance comes when a man’s heart has changed its outlook on sin. A man will only quit his sinful, destructive behavior when he has truly repented of it in his heart. As he moves closer to the heart of God, he begins to develop a 'godly sorrow' over his sin."

Jessie’s struggles continued. He grew discouraged after being disappointed over the exaggerated claims of “powerful” books and “life-changing” seminars about overcoming sexual addiction. He considered entering the Pure Life Ministries Residential program for men struggling with sexual sin, but close confidants told him that he did not need to take such a drastic step. Finally, he resigned his church and made the decision to enter the program. At that point, he didn’t care what it would cost him: he had to get right with God.

The Lord began to come to Jessie in a powerful way at Pure Life. He helped him to see that his problem wasn’t mystical. He simply had to begin where he had gotten off track in the first place: his devotional life. Having experienced great brokenness over how his sin had destroyed his walk with God, devastated his wife, and ruined his ministry, he sought the Lord with a new fervency. Being in a godly and protected environment, he began crawling out of the pit of sin. Temptation lost its stranglehold on him. Hope for a new life in Christ gave him an added incentive to press into God. It wasn’t long before the old fire from God had returned in his life.

The apostle Paul summed up Jessie’s newfound freedom when he said, “If you walk in the Spirit, you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.” Each person must decide for himself how trustworthy this statement is, but I can testify that, in the fifteen years that I have been ministering to sexual addicts—including many ministers—I have never found any evidence to dispute this statement. A man can attend weekly support groups, receive on-going counseling, go to deliverance sessions, be prayed over by a famous evangelist, or even enter a sexual addiction clinic, but if he is ever going to be freed from sexual lust, eventually he will be forced to come to grips with what it means to walk in the Spirit. Some of these efforts can be helpful, but only God has the power to cleanse the heart which has been defiled by pornography and set a person free.

God accomplished many things in Jessie’s life that were instrumental in his victory over pornography—too many to recount in a short article—but the basic, fundamental principle that can be garnered from his story is that a spiritual problem involving sin is only going to be solved through the work of the Holy Spirit: if you walk in the Spirit, you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.

In Scripture, we never see the disciples ask Jesus to teach them how to preach, or how to heal the sick or cast out demons. What we do see is them asking Him to teach them how to pray. Scripture reveals that a strong prayer life is central to life of the Christian, and in this episode, we look at how it is vital to the victorious life. There’s encouragement in the promise that if we would pray for God to mercy others by meeting their needs, then He will gladly come and meet our own needs.

Resources

• Living in Victory Through the Power of Mercy (Book) by Steve Gallagher

Show Notes

We wanted to share the Mercy Prayer, written by former Zion Faith Homes minister Rex Andrews, with you because it has helped change many lives in our counseling programs. The words aren't special in of themselves, but committing to pray for others this way in faith and through the power of the Holy Spirit, will make a tremendous impact on your life, as well as theirs.

Mercy prayer

‍‍1. Lord, I thank you for __________.

• I thank You for saving him/her. Thank You for what You have done and are doing in his/her life. (Eph. 1:16; Phil 4:6; Col 1:3; 1 Thes. 1:2; 3:9; 5:18; 2 Thes. 2:13)

2. Make __________ to know Jesus.

• Help him/her to increase in the knowledge of God. Destroy speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God and help him/her to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (John 17:3; 2 Cor. 10:5; Col 1:10; 2:3; 3:10)

3. Make __________ poor in spirit.

• Bring him/her down, Lord, but do it gently. Help him/her to see his/her neediness. Help __________ to see him\herself in light of You. Put __________in his\her rightful place, Lord. (Ps 51:17; Matt. 5:3; Prov. 29:23; Isa. 66:2; 1 Peter 5:5)

4. Fill __________ with Your Holy Spirit.

• Immerse him/her in Your Spirit, Lord. Come to him/her in power and might. Baptize him/her in fire, Lord. (Luke 3:16; John 1:3; Gal. 5:16; Eph 5:18; Acts 2:17, 18, 28)

5. Life __________.

• Life him/her according to Thy lovingkindness. Pour out Your life-giving mercies into his/her soul. (Ps. 80:18; 119:25, 37, 50, 88, 107, 149, 154, 156, 159; Ps. 143:11; Ro. 8:11)

6. Bless __________.

• Lord, bless him/her in everything he/she touches. Bless him/her spiritually, physically and financially. Bless his/her loved ones. Do for him/her, Lord, instead of me. (Gen. 12:1-3; Prov. 10:22; Matt. 5:44, Ro. 12:14, 20; 1 Peter 2:23; 3:9)

7. Mercy __________.

• Flood him/her with need-filling mercies. Pour them out in super abundance. Find and meet every need in his/her life as you see it, Lord. *Flood the one I am looking at in my heart and mind, with fulfilling mercies, filling all his/her need. As you have mercied me, so mercy him/her. (Ps. 86:5; Hosea 6:6; Matt. 9:13; 2 Cor. 1:3)

We pick up where we left off in last week’s episode by exploring some ways to live out a life surrendered to God’s will. But to live out God’s will is simply a willingness to give to others the mercy He has given to us. And this requires that we see our circumstances and those around us with very different eyes. We are joined by a variety of Pure Life counselors this week to look at this topic, because it is one of the most vital components of our ministry to men in sexual sin.

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Kathy Gallagher has spent decades ministering to wives who have seen their marriages and their lives ripped apart by their husband’s sexual sin. And she can do this because she experienced this in her own life. Her marriage to Steve was far from the fairy tale she had hoped for, but God turned the worst thing that happened to her into something very precious to her. In this interview, she shares the spiritual lessons that came from this time in her life. (From Podcast Episode#415 - Wives: Stand Firm in the Faith)

Nate: Kathy, when Steve confessed his unfaithfulness to you, things were really, really painful. It was so painful that you left him for a period of time. You've told that story on Purity for Life before. So, we’re not going into all of that. But through a series of wild events, you did return to Steve. And at that time, you found yourself in a marriage with a man that you had no feelings of love or respect for. I can't imagine how excruciating that would be, and a severe trial of faith. You were obeying God, or at least what you felt like God was calling you to do, yet it was still a loveless and respectless relationship. Can you talk about that?

Kathy: Sure. It was definitely the trial of a lifetime. The real trial—at least the first trial, was that my marriage just fell apart. My husband was addicted to pornography and illicit sex with other people. That was the first blast. The second blast was that I had to go back to him. Without going into all the long details, I knew that it was what God was calling me to do. But to go back there… I think in my mind somewhere I was expecting there to be a wonderful revival of love and restoration. But that wasn’t there. It was not present. There was a loveless feeling, a feeling of, “I cannot stand this man,” that was dominating my mind and my emotions. Bigger than that was a complete lack of respect for him. He was not the person I married, at least he wasn’t the person I thought I married. So, the trial of faith moved from being married to an adulterer, to being married to a guy I did not want to be with at all.

I was expecting the Lord to just step in, make everything smooth and to level out this mountain in front of me. He didn't do that. He let me go through fire, an emotional and spiritual fire. And I was so young in the faith. I had such an immature outlook on God and His role in my life. People tell you when you first come into the kingdom, that God's going to make everything amazing, all of your problems are going to go away, and that everything is going to be wonderful. My experience was the exact opposite. It was almost like when I came into the kingdom, everything blew apart. Even as I think about it now, I couldn’t have imagined a greater trial to my faith than having an unfaithful husband.

Nate: Obviously, I can't relate to what a wife is going through, but you touched on this, and I know that when difficulties come into my life, it can be easy to begin to question what the Bible says about God. When things are good, we say, God is good and He's faithful, and I know He wants good for me and He loves me. But then when things get difficult, the circumstances begin to suggest something different about the character of God. And what would you say to a wife whose situation is calling all these things she has believed about God to be in question?

Kathy: Well, it is a battle. I’ll try to tie this into my own situation and at the same time relate it to other people. Because I know from a lot of experience that numerous have done the same thing that I've done. I didn’t realize I was doing this, but I approached God expecting Him to fix it right then and there. I had an idea of God—somehow, I don't know where it came from—where I expected him to be a sugar daddy. I expected him to change my husband, or to free me. I wanted Him to give me an out. So, I don't know that I would say that I questioned God's character. Maybe I did. I probably did.

But once I got to the place where I was called to go back, there was faith in me to do that, a trust in the Lord for it. Especially once I was there and I saw how horrible it was. There was still a faith and a trust to maintain and continue to go down this path. So, I think I had learned enough, there was enough grace carrying me through those very difficult months, that I was learning God's character through the fire. It was like I was being taught each day. It was literally sometimes hour by hour in a day, learning how to lean on God.

I know that sounds like spiritual stuff, but it was the reality for me. I did not have what it took to do this, I just didn't. I was failing often, and miserable. So miserable. But in the midst of it all, I was learning who Christ is and how He could keep carrying me through. The most valuable thing I could press into a woman's heart is that He is with you. He hasn't abandoned you. He doesn't have a flawed character. There's something more important to the Lord in your circumstance. If anybody is listening to or anything I've said, or have written, God is not as concerned about your happiness as He is your holiness. And this is an addendum to that: when you are walking in holiness, you are happy. You can't have the happy before you have the holy.

The only way I've ever known to walk with the Lord in faith and through fire, is to obey. It’s to follow and to be holy as He is. There's no easy way for that to happen. It doesn't just get thrown at us.

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Nate: Yeah, I was thinking about the song last night, “Jesus, Jesus, How I Trust You.” The chorus says, “How I've proved you o’er and o’er.” But you know, at the beginning, the truth is we haven't proved him o’er and o’er. We're beginning to, but the only way to really have that experience where we can say “I’ve proved you every time,” where you've shown yourself to be faithful, is by just going through those things. There's no easy or quick way.

Kathy: What you just said is the absolute truth. The only way that you learn that He is all sufficient, that He is good, that He is everything He said He would be, is to go through fire. In our culture, and just in our makeup as human beings, that seems so unreasonable. That a God who created, who spoke everything into existence would actually want me to suffer.  This was very true of me when I was a young Christian, and I struggled with the whole suffering thing. I asked, “Why doesn't He just make it all go away?” And, “If He's good and if He's got a good character, why is He letting this happen to me?” I did not understand. And a lot of Christians do not understand the Lord. They know about Him, they know bits and pieces of Him, they know quaint little cliches about Him, they know isolated verses about Him. I've been a Christian for 41 years and it's taken me all this time to learn, just as Amy Carmichael said, “The fringes of His ways.” And there's so much to know!

Nate: Let's talk now about a wife who's just finding out about her husband’s sin. Because I've heard you describe before that the thoughts, the worries and the fears are just overwhelming. They're pressing in. Those are the real realities. It's not so much these high and lofty spiritual ideals that are the reality in those moments, but the situation. What are some of the biggest fears and thoughts that come to a wife's mind to buffet her faith, to say it in an old-fashioned way?

Kathy: Sure, there are a myriad. I mean, we're all different and we all have different weak spots in our characters, and in our emotions and stuff. But I would say, generally speaking, the fear that he'll do it again is huge. For me, once the chasm had been broken open by my husband’s sin, there was this enormous gulf or gap in this relationship. Some people can stick their head in the sand and act like, “Okay, that was a one-off thing, he'll never do that again.” In my experience most women feel like there is a huge fissure in the earth's crust, this gaping hole and that all of a sudden now my life is going to be lived in fear, lived in a lack of trust for him. “How am I ever going to trust him again?” That is like the biggest question women probably ask. They ask, “How could I ever trust him again? I trusted him all this time and we've been married for five years, and I just found out that he's been in pornography or sleeping with other people. How can I ever trust him again?”

The other fears are, and I don't know if this is necessarily a fear, but, “What's wrong with me? What was wrong with me? Why? Why did he need someone else?” Or if they have children, they're looking at not only their own emotions, but “How is this going to affect our kids? How do I tell my kids…? Do I tell my kids? And what about finances?” Just everything about life is all of a sudden very shaky. It’s very hard to navigate all this stuff. The fears are just ridiculous. It's overwhelming. All the fears that you never thought about having are now part of your daily life.

Nate: Yes. You mentioned that you went back, and you were going back specifically because God had told you to. But you also mentioned that there were a lot of failures, and you didn't respond very well to your own emotions and fears. I'm wondering that as you've talked with women, what are some of the common bad reactions to those emotions that you’ve seen?

Kathy: It’s two separate things for me, what you're describing. Because when I was facing things with Steve, when I had to go back, I hid my feelings. He never knew what I was going through. Okay, he had repented. He had gotten his heart right with God, and I was afraid to mess that up by just letting all this garbage spew out of me. What was inside of me was nasty. It was horrible. I won't say I hated him, but I hated for him to touch me. I was angry. It’s like I had been with prince charming. If anybody's heard my testimony, I ran off with another man. That’s one of the things that a woman will do often, is to go find someone else, to just plug the hole. That's a reaction. That was my reaction. So, this guy was awesome, and I had to go back to the creep.  There was mental anguish in that. It was so painful. Because I felt like the other guy was God's answer to all that I was going through. That was part of the enormous struggle I had to go through. But that was not God's answer to my pain.

Other women have other ways they deal with it. A lot of women are enraged. They go through life with so much anger and so much bitterness, and they're vindictive. They want to pay him back and they can't. They can't give themselves to him because they've been hurt so deeply. The list is endless. I'm not hitting on everything, but it is just a bottomless pit for a wife, and I've never met anybody who did it right. To be honest with you, none of us have done it right. It takes time to learn how to manage and cope.

Nate: So, like you said, none of us have done it right. I'm sure there's kind of a continuum. On the left-hand side there's total failure and making every single mistake, and on the right-hand side, there is some real trust, some real faith, forgiveness, mercy and love. When you do counsel a woman that is doing things in a more Biblical and God honoring way, what is it about their life that helps them to do that?

Kathy: Faith. They have faith. They they're trusting in the Lord at some level, because you can't do this humanly speaking. I mean, I have never met a soul that has. And I've dealt with hundreds of women. This isn't something you can just white knuckle your way through and pretend to be Christian. That woman has some kind of faith in God. She's got trust for the Lord, and her eyes are at some level fixed on Him. That doesn't mean she doesn't have issues and struggles and pain. She does, but she's handling it right. She knows the Word of God.

I cannot emphasize that enough. The Word of God is not a medicine chest to go and grab a verse from when you're feeling bad one day, it is the revelation of who God is and it's so powerful. That's another thing, I wish I could just press into the hearts and minds of people, how important it is to know what the Word of God is saying. Not just grabbing verses out of context but getting the revelation of who God is. That's what gives you the faith and the trust to keep going through fiery trials. It's not in us to do that.

Nate: That's so encouraging. All of us are facing different things at different times. But I think it’s important for us to come to the realization that whatever it is I'm facing, I can't do this alone and I don't have to. We’re not expected to get the resources from within ourselves. Just as Hebrews says, “fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith” (Hebrews 12:2a). He really can give us something that is foreign to us. It's outside of us, to get us through.

Kathy: Yes, His all sufficiency doesn't just happen because we call ourselves Christian. This kind of acquiring from the Lord comes through revelations in the Word of God. It comes that way, and it comes through suffering. If you really study and look at the Word of God, there's a lot in the New Testament that says it's the testing of our faith that is precious to God. And that endurance and perseverance are huge, huge themes. Suffering for Christians is a massive thing, but in America we don't like that. We don't want God to be like that. We want Him to fix everything. And He does, but the way He does it doesn't line up with what we're expecting or hoping for. So, we are challenged on every level, you know?

Nate: Yes, that's exactly right. I'm sure that there are people listening who have prayed this at some point in time: Lord, I want to walk with you, I want to know you, I want to have a real relationship with you. And then when God's answer comes, it's not usually what we were looking for. But we have to, like you said, trust Him as our Father, and that He really knows what's best for us. He's also prompt. Every good father always gives to their child what is best for them, and He is the only truly good father. That's where our faith can really land is in the goodness of God, despite what it seems like for us.

Kathy: When you're in the fire, or when you're drowning, and when you can say that God is good and it’s real to you—when it’s solid in your heart that He is good, no matter what the devil or what life may throw at you—then you can go through this. If in your heart there's a solid pillar that His lovingkindness is forever, then you can go through this. But if that issue of who God is, what His character is like, is in question, then you're going to shake. You're going to be shaken, and it will be very hard to stand if you are calling that into question.

I have spent endless, countless hours, days, months, years agonizing to know Him. Because somehow I knew early on that knowing Him was the answer to my issue. Not my husband, not him. He was an idol to me. He was an absolute idol. And that's why my bottom dropped out when I found out what he was doing. But as I grew in the Lord and got my eyes off of Steve and on to who God said He was, that is what helped me and changed me. I shouldn’t say it like it’s all we have, but He’s more than enough. He is more than sufficient. And people that hear these things but don't have a strong enough faith yet often get frustrated by hearing it. They want it, but they don't understand how to get there. Well, He's taking you there. Just keep holding on and He'll give you the grace to get through the fire. He is giving the grace to get through the fire, it just isn't the way we want it to be.

Nate: Yeah, I was vigorously shaking my head when you were saying that. When you said that to people, and they don't like it. I hated it when people would say that to me because I was like, man, what does that even mean? And how do I get there? But you're right, He is taking us there. Praise the Lord for that.

Kathy: But there's no milestones in it though. In a certain way, it's not like, oh I finally got over that hump. Your whole Christian life, you will feel like you're climbing uphill. With a one-hundred-pound backpack on, you know? But He's doing it! He is doing it.

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"Should I forgive my cheating husband?" This is a very common question in today's age. Some wives are asking this because years of broken promises have caused them to become weary. Some ask this because they just found out that their husband has been unfaithful. And for others, they cannot imagine enduring for one more the day the crushing weight of the pain. Sometimes forgiveness seems unrealistic--even unjust. The wife feels like she is just giving him a license to continue being unfaithful. When Kathy Gallagher found out that her husband had been unfaithful to her, she had a decision to make. She could make him pay for it, or she could forgive. But she yielded to God's heart of forgiveness, and since then, she has been able to guide many devastated women into the wonderful freedom that comes through forgiveness. In this video, Kathy looks at what true forgiveness is, and what it is not.

"Should I forgive my cheating husband?" Many hurting wives ask this question because they have already endured years of broken promises and resolutions, only to find out that they have been lied to once again. Some ask this question because they have been blindsided by a revelation of betrayal. Others ask this because they cannot imagine enduring the flood of emotions and pain that threatens to drown them at any moment. Not only this, but for so many women, forgiveness seems unrealistic and even unfair. To forgive a cheating husband seems as if the wife is just letting him off the hook or giving him a license to continue being unfaithful. Kathy Gallagher faced these questions in her own married life when her husband was unfaithful to her. But she found out what true forgiveness is, and she has been able to guide many devastated women into the wonderful freedom that comes through forgiveness. In this video, Kathy looks at what true forgiveness is, and what it is not.

Is masturbation sin? This question has sparked many heated debates. Since the Bible doesn’t answer the question directly, many people assume that God must be fine with it. But the Bible does offer guiding principles that help us to discern how to think about actions or attitudes that are not explicitly dealt with in its holy pages.In this episode of Ask the Counselor, Pastor Ed Buch looks at some of the underlying beliefs and perspectives that fuel the practice of masturbation, and admonishes us to consider again what God must really think about masturbation.

Being a sexual addict and being a self-righteous Pharisee might not seem very similar on the surface. But often, these two spiritual problems overlap. Pastor Steve Gallagher explores the spiritual dynamics of why this happens, and pastor and evangelist Glenn Meldrum explains the antidote to powerless religiosity: a life that's truly "set apart" to God.