How can a wife trust her husband when he has proven himself to be unfaithful? How can she know that he has truly repented of his sin or if he will betray her again? In part two of our series, Refined as Silver, we discuss how a wife can learn to rest in the Lord as she entrusts her marriage to Him. And she must also learn to have faith that God will hold her husband fast as he walks out His repentance.

Resources

• Sacred Things (Video Series) By Kathy Gallagher

When Jesus came in the first century, what He found caused Him to fashion a whip to cleanse the temple and led Him to pronounce woe on the religious leaders. We know that He is coming again—perhaps soon—but the question remains, “What will He find?” What will it take to be part of the faithful remnant who continue pressing on, clinging to God’s Word, and living in daily anticipation of His coming? We must prepare our hearts now!

In this interview, Jeff Colon teaches us about the importance of humility, it's central role in the lives of those who wish to follow Christ and the joy that comes from embracing it.

Mike: We're going to begin a series on humility, a completely foreign idea in our American culture. We're raised in America to be proud, but we know that one of the defining aspects of being a Christian is humility. I want to begin by asking you this question, why humility? Why are we looking at this subject today?

Jeff: As God has dealt with me over the years, I've seen in my own life a greater need for it, and it’s a character trait Jesus taught His disciples a lot about. We read a lot about it in Scripture and it’s closely tied with the word love. Humility is a servant’s attitude. And those who have really given up their own will to submit it to another’s understands how much they are in need of God. I want Jesus to be displayed more in my life, so the subject of humility has been pressed upon my heart lately and I'm just excited about the whole concept of humility.

Mike: I want to start off this discussion looking into what you believe would motivate someone to want to be humble.

Jeff: It all starts in Genesis, where we see that we were created out of the dust from the ground. God breathed into our nostrils the breath of life and man became a living being. I see this as a picture of humility that shows me that I cannot even have life without God. This in of itself motivates me to take my rightful place before Him.
Then, there is the obvious fact that we fell from our place with God. Humility gives me hope as a sinner that if I take my rightful place, God will make a way for me to come to the place where He is everything to me. It gives me hope as a sinner and it strengthens me as one of His children. It gives me strength because it teaches me that as I get into my rightful place, I have the grace of God there to help me and give me what I do not have.

Mike: What are some of the misconceptions regarding the subject of humility?

Jeff: I've often used the phrase, especially when I was in my sin that God is just using this sin of mine to humble me. That sometimes is what we believe. Really that's not right, because then I might argue that I should keep on sinning so that I can grow in humility. That certainly contradicts what Paul says in Romans. The greatest humbling is when we are forgiven of our sin and get to stand in awe of the grace of God.

Mike: This idea of humility certainly is not something we naturally find in ourselves or that we find in the culture around us, so how do we even begin to grasp what humility really is?

Jeff: As fallen creatures, it's hard for us to have a right understanding of it, but I'm so thankful that Jesus is our example of humility. As we look in the Scriptures at how Jesus lived His life, how He stepped out of glory, humbled Himself, and depended on the Father, then we can learn what true humility is.

Mike: In our culture, I think men often cringe at the thought of being humbled.

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Jeff: Right. And what I'm finding is that's where my joy comes from. That's where my strength comes from. As I said earlier, Jesus is our example. When we look at Jesus, well, He had joy. It wasn't humiliating for Jesus to step out of glory and to humble Himself and become a servant of all. It was a joy for Him to go to the Cross, and it was a joy for Him to serve and glorify the Father as well. Humility is where His strength came from, so it's really something to be admired and longed for.

Mike: Jesus was a servant and when we look at a servant, we see that a servant finds great joy in serving His master.

Jeff: That's where a servant finds pleasure in life. It's what they were created for, and we were created for God. That's where we'll find our greatest pleasure, when we come into our rightful place before Him.

Mike: You've been in ministry for quite a while. When you look at people in ministry in general, do you find that there's an understanding of humility or a great need for more of it?

Jeff: As I’ve been around the country to different ministries, I’ve seen a lot of different aspects of the Christian life. You hear about faith, consecration, prayer, but you don't hear humility talked about a whole lot as something to be sought after. But I believe it is one of the core things we should be seeking after, especially if Jesus emphasized it to His disciples time after time. Unfortunately, sometimes we're pursuing holiness but neglecting humility and I know for myself when I've done that it only served to turn me into a pharisee. It is so easy to become self-focused, so humility is the place that we want everything in our life to flow out of.

Bitterness is a deadly malignancy of the soul. Its poisonous venom destroys both the physical body and the spiritual health of an individual. I once heard it said, “Bitterness is like the acid you have inside that you want to spew on others; but it may well eat you alive before you get the chance.”

Truly, bitterness is one of Satan’s greatest weapons in devouring all kinds of relationships. It seeks out those who have been offended or hurt by another, encouraging them to dwell on the offense until a deep-seated anger and resentment takes root. The Enemy whispers in their ear: You’re right… Look what he did to you… You don’t deserve this… And she calls herself a Christian… and so on, and so on, and so on.

As we see in Hebrews 12:15, what makes this anger and resentment so dangerous is “the root of bitterness” that springs up in the heart. From it, this Scripture warns, trouble is caused and “many become defiled.” In other words, the constant stream of venom spewing from the heart of a bitter person defiles nearly everyone encountered.

Unfortunately, I have seen this poisonous root spew its venom in the lives of numerous women I have counseled over the years at Pure Life Ministries. But bitterness isn’t unique to hurting wives.

Bitterness in the Bible

Consider the account of Cain and Abel for a moment. (Genesis 4:1-16) We see that Abel brought the appropriate offering to God and received His favor, while Cain’s offering was not accepted because it was the wrong way to approach God. As a result, Cain was bitter at his brother. God warned Cain that if he did not deal with his simmering anger, sin was crouching at the door of his heart, desiring to master him. Although God’s desire was for Cain to rule over his anger, sadly, Cain did not heed God’s warning. We see the ultimate fruit of this failure when he rose up and killed his brother Abel.

One can look at this story and wonder, “How could Cain do such a horrible thing?” But I believe there is a simple explanation: Cain’s action stemmed from his bitter heart. Cain was angry, resentful and bitter over his brother’s offering. One can only imagine the thoughts repeatedly churning in his mind as a result of his bitterness. In warning him, God knew Cain’s heart would ultimately lead him to murder Abel if not dealt with in the right way. Bitterness is invariably found in the heart of one who has not dealt with a hurt or offense in God’s prescribed manner.

So what is the biblical way to deal with bitterness? Amy Carmichael has said, “There is only one way of victory over the bitterness and rage that comes naturally to us—to will what God wills brings peace.”

Paul laid out the biblical instruction for dealing with bitterness when he said: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32) It has been my experience in counseling women for almost two decades, that bitterness left unchecked will almost certainly yield the other rotten fruits of “wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking and malice” in our relationships with others. The biblical mandate is to forgive others of the offenses that have spawned our bitterness, doing so with the awareness that we also have been forgiven much.

When A Wife Is Overwhelmed By Bitterness

It’s been many years ago now, but I once counseled a lady who is a beautiful example of how to overcome bitterness. This dear woman’s husband had been in sexual sin for many years when she began counseling with Pure Life Ministries. Because she was not dealing with her husband’s offense in a godly manner, this woman became very bitter toward her spouse. She was miserable, both in her marriage and, more generally, over the person she had become. My heart would break for her as she came to my office for counseling. You could see the resentment and lack of joy all over her face as she slumped down in her chair.

She would confess during our counseling sessions that she was nasty to everyone she came in contact with and would never smile at anyone, including me. Yet, I remember as she got involved in our At-Home Program for Wives and began to do The Walk of Repentance Bible study, God began to do a work in her heart.

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The Holy Spirit began to convict her of her cutting words toward her husband, of her ungrateful heart in the midst of the trial she was going through, of her grumbling and complaining spirit toward God for her lot in life, and over the great disdain that rose up in her heart every time she even saw her husband—to the point where they had been separated for several years.

As she began to apply God’s Word to her heart, entering into His prescribed remedy for this deadly poison which was, little by little, eating away at her soul, I began to see her countenance change right before my eyes.

This dear lady desperately needed God just as much as her husband did. And gradually that realization dawned upon her.

When A Wife Overcomes Bitterness

As she allowed the living and powerful Word of God, which is sharper than any two-edged sword, to pierce into her soul and spirit and the joints and marrow of her heart, God began to cut this malignant root of bitterness out of it. It became very real to her that, if she were to die, she would have to give an account to God for what she had allowed to fester in her heart. She realized the Lord’s judgment would be without mercy to her, the one who would not show mercy to her husband. (James 2:13)

You see, she came from a sinful past (as we all do!), and God had forgiven her much. Yet, before contacting Pure Life Ministries for help, she had not been willing to give that same mercy to her husband. She was living as the unforgiving servant we read about in Matthew 18:21-35. She basically had her husband by the throat, demanding, “Pay me what you owe!”

She knew God had been merciful to her, and He was justly requiring that she have compassion on her husband, releasing and forgiving him from the debt she felt he owed her. This instruction was God’s prescribed medicine for her soul and brought the healing and deliverance she so desperately needed to eradicate this bitter poison from her heart.

I almost shudder to think about what would have become of her if she had not taken God’s counsel to heart. She was following the same path of bitterness Cain went down; only the Lord knows where her murderous heart was leading her.

You see, this woman had allowed her husband’s sin to steal her joy and her sense of God’s presence in her life. God was able to work in her life, however, because of her willingness to see her own sinful heart. To be sure, it was not easy to keep the focus on her own sin in the midst of so much temptation to keep focusing on her husband’s offenses against her. But even though she still had some ups and downs, she learned to repent daily of her unforgiving attitude and turn to God.

Peace Is Available

What about you beloved? You might be going through something right now, where the sin of bitterness is crouching at the door of your heart. Be assured, God’s desire for you is that you would master it.

Are you willing to take God’s medicine into your soul today and “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you”? (Ephesians 4:32) Are you willing even though your offender doesn’t deserve it?

If not, I solemnly remind you of Jesus’ warning: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But it you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15) The choice, of course, is yours; but I pray that you will choose to forgive others just as Christ has forgiven you.

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When a woman finds out that her husband is in sexual sin, she passes through a fire of deep pain and suffering. For many, this experience creates long-terms wounds that never quite heal. But others have a surprisingly different story to tell. In our new five-part series for wives, Refined as Silver, we will talk to women who found freedom as they allowed the Lord to use the fiery trials they endured to refine them and produce His character in them.

Resources

• When His Secret Sin Breaks Your Heart (Book) by Kathy Gallagher

Register Now for our 22nd Annual Conference!
We are excited about a special addition to our 2022 Annual Conference. For many years, we have partnered with local churches to spread a message of truth and hope. Our Call to Purity weekends have shown thousands of Christians the true roots of sexual sin, giving them the tools needed to live a pure life. During this year's Preconference, we'll host a one-day version of this event that will show you how to escape the snares of our increasingly sexualized culture.

In this interview, Kathy Gallagher teaches wives about the danger of living in fear and how a genuine trust in the Lord is the only way to leave the past behind and have newness of life in a marriage.  (from Podcast Episode #434 - Overcoming Fear When Restoring a Marriage)

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Nate: Kathy, you have counseled many wives over the past 30 plus years since co-founding Pure Life Ministries with your husband Steve. You are very familiar with a wide range of issues that come up between a husband and a wife as they're either dealing with the crisis of sexual sin and moving past it. One question wives often ask us is, how can they leave the past behind after their husband has genuinely repented? Usually, he has been walking in the fruit of genuine repentance for quite some time, but the wife is still living in the past and can't seem to progress in the healing of the relationship. What would you say to a woman that is in this place?

Kathy: Well, I would call that she is living, waiting for the next shoe to drop, which is a miserable way to live. Most women have been living like this, because their husbands are going through ups and downs in their fight for freedom. The husband does good for a while, then crashes and the cycle continues. That kind of dynamic can cause a woman to feel like she is never going to be able to be free of the past. A woman in this place will either live waiting for the next shoe to drop or just live in her own fear.
Fear is one of the undealt with issues that a lot of wives carry around in life. I carried it for many years. I was always on guard and inside I was trying to shield myself from any future disappointments that might come. It is a miserable existence, and you can't move forward because you're waiting for disaster to strike, even though he's doing good and he hasn’t given you any reason to believe that anything devastating is going to happen again. The ongoing routine of fear, anger, and bitterness is where women can really get themselves into a lot of trouble.

Nate: Wow, it's almost like a betrayal of self to let it go.

Kathy: Yes. There's a mentality that a lot of women have that if I don't keep my guard up, if I don't keep this flame of fear alive and if I don't keep watch, he's going to hurt me again. It becomes a very defensive and adversarial position for a wife to get into. They don't do it on purpose, it just feels so natural that it’s almost like it just happens to them. They really have to take a step back and look at what is happening to them, because something is definitely happening inside.

Nate: What do you mean?

Kathy: Fear is the most soul rotting thing that a woman can live in. Fear in of itself is a good emotion; it teaches us to run when we're in danger and to genuinely protect ourselves in a helpful way. But to live in fear as though it is going to be a wall of protection from future harm is deceptive. Really, what it does is turn you into a different person. I had to undo who I was becoming as a result of fear, and it was not a pleasant process. It was very painful and there are remnants to this day of fear in me that I have to deal with. Not fear of Steve falling or something of that nature, but just from time to time it attaches itself to me and gets into my pattern of thinking.

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Nate: It's something that you use to protect yourself and then in the end it ends up controlling you.

Kathy: It’s similar to the biblical principle that says the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. The same thing could be said about fear. It is a root that has 1000 heads. It's like pride in that way and is practically impossible to kill. But you don't quit trying to kill it, you keep after it.

Nate: If he's not giving her evidence that something is imminent, then why is she so afraid?

Kathy: I think it's because she's putting her hope in the wrong place. She wants to have a future and a hope, but the problem is that it is resting on a person, and that is a slippery slope for anyone. For wives that is our issue; we put everything into our marriages. It becomes our life and our world. If he does well, we do well. If he does poorly, we do poorly. If he's up, she’s up. If he's down, she’s down. That's a natural thing in marriage, but a woman who can't move forward even though her husband has moved forward has lost track of where her hope should be. That is an obvious indicator that she is not right with the Lord inside, because no matter what we go through in life, our only hope is Jesus.

Eventually I came to the place where I could live with a man who was shaky and still have a life that wasn't going to blow apart if he blew apart. I had to get my priorities right and I had to realize that Steve was not the foundation of my life, and he was never meant to be. It's difficult for women to get their priorities in the right place, because they place expectations on their husbands to be the foundation in life that only Jesus can be.
It's everything to a wife to have the union, oneness, and sacredness that the marriage covenant is supposed to be. That is how it should be, but in a lot of cases for us wives, it becomes more important than our relationship with Christ. That's why a lot of women struggle, because they put their marriage and the security of it ahead of their walk with the Lord. Many wives think that their walk with God will vastly improve when their marriage improves, but they will come to find out that that is not the truth. I had it so backwards when I thought that if my husband got it together and the marriage was good, then I would grow in my relationship with God. That is not true. If I wasn't putting God first and moving forward spiritually, regardless of what Steve was doing, nothing was happening within me spiritually. I wasn't moving forward with God. I wasn't growing spiritually, and I wasn't trusting God.
When a person is so fixated on the problem, it begins to control their whole life. What inevitably happens, whether it's a man in sexual sin or a woman struggling with horrible fear, is they begin to become a completely different person. If you are a man that is in lust, you will become corrupted the more you give over. Your inside world becomes more and more hollowed out, and you start to become less and less in touch with reality. For a woman in fear, you could potentially become controlling, manipulative, angry, bitter, or even full of wrath. You may become angry at your kids, angry at life or even angry at God. That is ultimately the result when there is a bunch of undealt with stuff inside. That's why I take the issue of fear so seriously when I'm dealing with women, because they have to take care of the root issue.
There is a valid place for the pain, the hurt, and the fear, but it must be reined in.  I would say the same for a guy who is struggling with lust, he needs to rein it in, he can't just let it go, he has to deal with it. If a woman is unable to move forward, often it’s because she is living in fear. She has to start working on overcoming fear just like her husband has to work on overcoming lust. These are both sin issues. Even though the pain and hurt are legitimate for a while, God still expects you to trust in Him with all your heart, to lean not on your own understanding and in all your ways acknowledge Him and know that He will direct your path. That's the truth that a wife has to live in. In confidence and trust you will find rest. Confidence in the Lord and trust in the Lord are things that a wife must develop in her life if she wants to experience freedom.

When a person believes that freedom from sexual sin is impossible for them, it often leads to feelings of despair and hopelessness. We looked at common things inside us that lead to these feelings in our last episode and showed how they prevent us from gaining freedom. This week, we’ll identify five crucial steps that a person must take if they want to walk in true liberty from sin and what it looks like to put those into practice.

Resources

20 Truths: Truth #19 - Faith is the Victory Over Sexual Addiction      (Short Video) by Steve Gallagher

In this interview, Steve Gallagher sits down to talk about the way a spiritual leader lives his life, and how this can either set him up for failure or success in the battle against sexual sin. He discusses practical ways to go about this, so that those in such significant roles know how to protect themselves from the enemy’s schemes. (From Podcast Episode #340 - Why Leaders Fall: A Story and a Conversation)

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Brooks: Pastor Steve, it is always a shock to hear about a leader who has fallen. While we live in a culture that has a lot of temptation, it somehow still surprises us when we are tempted. No one is expecting it from their leader especially. Before we get started though, I would like you to clarify for us if this is something that can happen to any Christian, no matter their circumstances.

Pastor Steve: Yes and no. It can happen to any of us, especially in the culture we live in today. So yes, in that sense. But no, in the sense that if you are really walking with the Lord and you are living a spiritually disciplined lifestyle with protective boundaries, there is no reason why you should fall into any kind of sexual sin.

Brooks: Well as we get into this, let's start with the basics of the Christian life, because you mentioned the need for a strong life that is reinforced with different protections. Is there any one area you would highlight as something that leaders need to focus on if they're going to avoid falling into sexual sin.

Pastor Steve: The Apostle Paul said, if we walk in the Spirit, we will not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Walking in the Spirit is the key to freedom from sin and I believe walking in the Spirit primarily comes from developing a strong devotional life. It comes from spending time in the Word of God and spending time in meaningful prayer to the Lord. When you're meeting with God every day, you will begin to be lifted up spiritually, above carnality and the World. I'm not saying that a guy with a strong devotional life is exempt from temptation, but it will strengthen you and the most important aspect of living in victory is to have daily devotion with God.

Brooks: I would just assume as somebody who is sitting on the other side of the pulpit, that the pastor or leader that I'm looking up to has a strong devotional life. What have you seen?

Pastor Steve: Well, I saw a poll of pastors not long ago and the average time they were spending in prayer was six minutes. You cannot have a meaningful life in God if you only have a six-minute connection with Him. You must spend time with Him. You have to pour out your heart and you have to care enough about the people in your church to the point that you are interceding on their behalf before the throne of God. That's where power comes from, not from a six-minute prayer time.

Brooks: As someone who is in the ministry yourself, what is one of the dangers that might lead someone in full time ministry into sexual sin?

Pastor Steve: One of the challenges that a pastor faces is that there is a lot of demand on their time. They have people pulling them from every direction. They have meetings they are supposed to go to, sermons to prepare, and Bible studies to lead. There is just so much going on in the life of a typical pastor. I was asked to speak to a pastor's group one time on the subject, “Why do so many pastors fall into sexual sin?” I made a statement during that conference where I said that in all the years that I've been ministering to people in sexual sin, including many pastors, I have never once had to help a Mary, but I have had to help many Marthas.  Part of it is just the nature of the beast. It's hard for pastors, but there's just a place we must come to where we draw the line in mindlessly serving, because our lives in God have to stay intact or we are not going to be any good to anybody.

Brooks: Is there anything else leaders need to watch out for?

Pastor Steve: Well, another real challenge for pastors is discouragement. Ministry can be very discouraging, because you're trying to elevate people's mindsets and motivate them to get their eyes on the things of the Lord. There are a lot of people in churches that are not interested, they want to just come in Sunday morning, make their appearance, and then forget about God the rest of the week and that can be very discouraging for a pastor. Discouragement is one of those human emotions that the enemy is very adept at using to drain a pastor's motivation to keep fighting, and it can be very dangerous.

Brooks: Ideally problems and pressures should drive us to God, but we know that doesn't always happen. What have you found to be the response pattern of people in ministry when they face a lot of pressure and are also facing sexual temptation?

Pastor Steve: It's just in human nature to want to take it easy in the battle. We want to just slump down, because we're tired from working and being stressed out all day dealing with, oftentimes, difficult people. Then there comes this desire to just escape and spend the evening watching television or getting on the internet. If you fall into this place, you can end up taking your mind and heart and handing it over to the enemy for a period of time and this has a very draining effect on your spiritual life. We have to be careful with the way that we live our lives, and the opportunities we give the enemy to get in and drain us of our resolve to walk with God.

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Brooks: Going back to that daily life you were mentioning at the start of the interview, that disciplined daily devotion to God. I know you've tried to set that up here at Pure Life for those of us on staff who are ministering here. As you have seen that kind of lifestyle play out here over several decades, what's been the payoff you've seen for the staff who are working in a daily life of ministry?

Pastor Steve: Well, we all have our struggles and failures, but since we're all in the same mindset here at Pure Life Ministries, we can help each other and elevate each other. That's one of the challenges also for pastors, because most of the people in their daily life are people who are under their spiritual authority. They also need people in the ministry that they can fellowship with and have meaningful connection with. Connection with godly people is a real help to you when you're in the ministry, there's no doubt about that. Unfortunately, a lot of pastors don't reach out and they end up being on a little island by themselves and they can just become very vulnerable to the devices of the enemy. The bottom line is that the Lord has given us the tools that we need to live a victorious life and that life with God just has to be something that means enough to us that we are going to fight for it. All I can say is it is worth fighting for, it is worth the struggle, and it is worth maintaining. It means everything to us, it really does.

“I thought that when I got married, this lust problem would go away.”

That thought process is echoed in many of the testimonies of the men who come through Pure Life Ministries. It is not uncommon for people who find themselves in bondage to lust to think that marriage is the solution to their problem. Their logic is simple: “Since I have a sex problem, if I could get into a marital relationship where I can have sex often without guilt or shame, my issue would be solved.” While this line of thinking may seem to be accurate, it is based on a faulty perception of lust.

Many sex addicts incorrectly view their struggle as a sex problem. Those who are single often tend to view marriage as the “easy-button” fix for their issue. Due to the fact that they are unable to satisfy their lust in a healthy way, they assume that, if only they were married, then they could get free. But the truth is that lust isn’t a sex problem; it’s a sin problem. And the only way to conquer sin is through repentance.

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Jesus tells us in Matthew 5:27-28: “You have heard it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (NASB) Jesus takes this Old Testament commandment that focused on the outward action of adultery and focuses in on the very root of the issue. See, long before an adulterous act is committed, a person’s heart is already given over to lust. Adultery is only the outward manifestation of the sinful lust of the heart. The same can be said of any type of outward sexual sin. Before sin finds manifestation in someone’s life, it has already taken root in their hearts. In another passage, Jesus repeats this thought when He says, “For out of the heart come evil thoughts--murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.” (Matthew 15:19 NIV) The Bible is quite clear: sexual lust is a sin problem, and it is found in a person’s heart.

While marriage may provide an opportunity to have sexual relations without the guilt that accompanies masturbation or fornication, it doesn’t fix heart issues. Unfortunately, many find that truth out the hard way. After the excitement of the wedding and the honeymoon die off, they find that their lust is just as active as before they walked down the aisle. Their fantasy life is still thriving and they long for more than healthy marital relations can offer. They have created an appetite for sexual perversion that will not simply disappear because they have tied the knot. If it were true that marriage was enough to fix the problem, pornography and adulterous affairs would be rare. But as we all know, these issues are all too common in our day. At the heart of lust is covetousness. Rex Andrews described it as, “taking virtue from someone that doesn’t belong to them.” Marital intercourse— which is a blessing from God when it occurs in a pure love relationship—will not satisfy that longing for forbidden fruit in a lustful person’s fantasies.

I fell for this lie myself. After having met my wife, a wonderful Christian woman, I assured myself that my days of bondage to pornography were behind me. But it was not long into the marriage that I found my lust problem had followed me to the altar. No matter how sincere I was when I recited my vows, that commitment alone was not enough to set me free. I wound up wasting many precious years of marriage in secret bondage, unable to escape the misery of sexual addiction.

Modern-day psychologists scoff at the idea of calling sexual addictions sinful, yet there is a liberating aspect of calling sin by its name. The very fact that it is sin means that a way of escape has been provided. I thank God for the power of true repentance and the cross of Christ! It was only the Lord that could accomplish the needed work in my heart, bringing me into freedom. There is hope for those who are in bondage today. That hope cannot be found in a spouse or in a marriage, but it lies in finding true heart repentance. The same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to those who will turn to Jesus with all of their hearts and allow Him to change them from the inside out. I thank God that He is still in the business not only of setting men and women free from sexual sin, but also that He is able to resurrect the marriages that have been affected by it.

This is the beauty of Pure Life Ministries. Through the Residential Program, OCAH, prison ministry and many other avenues, men and women are finding the true freedom they have longed for in a true relationship with Jesus Christ. I can testify that I truly cannot imagine where I would be today if it were not for the process that the Lord brought me through in the residential program of Pure Life Ministries. It was there that the Lord showed me that my only hope was in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ! And now I am free to enjoy my marriage the way God intended it to be.

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How is it that many find themselves hopelessly bound in their sin when there is a God of tremendous hope offering them the keys to genuine freedom? We’ll help answer that in our next two episodes. Today’s focus is on the common barriers to overcoming sexual sin and the ways these often produce hopelessness in a sex addict’s life. This interview is part of our new and ongoing Ask the Counselor series, where we interview various members of our counseling staff about some of the common questions asked by those in sexual sin.

Resources

• You Have Every Reason to Hope (Sermon) by Steve Gallagher

Since time immemorial the devil has used discouragement to weaken believers’ defenses against the temptation to sin. Discouragement—which can befall the godliest of saints—can easily lead to self-pity. Once a person begins to feel sorry for himself, he becomes easy prey for the enemy. The lives of Asaph and Cain demonstrate two different and opposite ways to respond when things go wrong.

Asaph: An Outward Focus

Asaph, a Levite, was appointed as worship leader by King David because of his great love for God and his ability to lead others into His presence. And yet, Psalm 73 recounts the story of how he became discouraged one day and nearly got himself into real spiritual trouble. “My feet came close to stumbling,” he later confessed, “my steps had almost slipped.” Asaph almost slid into a pit of depression and despair when he began to focus on “the prosperity of the wicked.”

“They are not in trouble as other men,” he lamented to himself, “nor are they plagued like mankind.” Asaph could not reconcile the fact that “the wicked” seemed to be blessed, while he seemed to have nothing but troubles. “Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and washed my hands in innocence; for I have been stricken all day long and chastened every morning.”

Asaph’s discouragement nearly set his feet on the slippery path of self-pity. With his attention focused on the prosperity of the wicked, he began to question the goodness of God. One more precarious step in this direction could have been disastrous, but Asaph was a man who knew his God. “When I pondered to understand this, it was troublesome in my sight until I came into the sanctuary of God…”

Many years later, the prophet Habakkuk would struggle with the very same question. Ultimately, he too found the way out of discouragement by fixing his eyes on the Lord. “Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines,” he wrote, “yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.” (3:17-18)

Godly people discover that the way out of the discouragements of life is always by focusing their minds back on “the beauty of the Lord.” They understand that this world belongs to the enemy; that they were created for another world. Thus, rather than turning inward to self, they turn to the Lord in the midst of discouragement. Asaph’s entire perspective brightened when he got his eyes off himself and onto the Lord. “Whom have I in heaven but You?” he exclaimed. “And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Asaph’s and Habakkuk’s responses contrast strikingly with that of Cain. He, too, faced a difficult situation, but rather than respond in the right way, he became increasingly embittered over God’s dealings with him.

Cain: An Inward Focus

Cain was clearly a religious man, evidenced by the fact that he willingly arrived at the appointed time with an offering. Unquestionably, his sacrificial gift came at a very real and personal cost. Nevertheless, the Lord rejected his offering for one very important reason: Cain’s religious life was not founded upon faith, submission and love to the Lord, but in self-works.

“The way of Cain,” as Jude later coined it, denotes the underlying attitude of entitlement—that each act of sacrifice is a great gift to God deserving recognition and praise. There are many in the Church today who exhibit this self-centered agenda. When God withholds His blessing, or allows suffering of any kind into their lives, they start feeling sorry for themselves. “Look at all I have given up for the Lord,” they trumpet indignantly. “I go to church every Wednesday and twice on Sunday. I’ve paid my tithes for many years. And this is the thanks I get?!” Rather than seeing all that God has done for them, all they can see is what they have done for Him. Blinded by self-righteousness and self-pity, they view themselves as His benefactors, instead of sinful wretches unworthy of grace and mercy.

God, in His infinite holiness, must reject, and always has rejected, such self-centered religion. When He refused to accept Cain’s offering, we are told that Cain “became very angry and his countenance fell.” In other words, he plummeted into a depression. He sat down in a heap of self-pity and sulked—the first biblical instance of someone throwing a temper tantrum.

Cain’s attitude can be summed up in the distressing words of the unprofitable servant (in the parable of the talents): “I knew you to be a hard taskmaster.” And so God always seems to those who live in self-will. They fully expect Him to bless their plans and when He doesn’t—or when things go wrong—they rise up in anger with Him. He seems like a “hard taskmaster,” a demanding boss who cannot be satisfied. This attitude, if persisted in, leads to self-pity, which in turn, paves the way for deeper, more grievous sins.

God: Another Chance

The Lord saw that Cain was in great spiritual danger. In spite of the blasphemous accusations churning in Cain’s heart, the Lord graciously reached out to him. “Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen?” At that point, Cain’s situation was still comparable to those of Asaph and Habakkuk. Had he responded with the same faith, obedience and humility they exhibited, he, like them, would have climbed right out of his pit of despair.

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The Lord then proceeded to show Cain exactly what to do, reinforcing His instruction with a warning of the danger he was in: “If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it.” Simply put, God was giving Cain a chance to repent of his attitude. If he continued in prideful self-will, he would be powerless to resist the provocations toward evil of the enemy lurking nearby. Cain, regrettably, chose to remain locked in a prison of SELF, nursing his “grievances.” Self-pity turned to anger, which quickly gave place to rage. And rage, pursued to its end, led to murder.

The temptation Cain faced, and ultimately succumbed to, was toward violence. However, I have heard countless stories from men who found themselves unable to resist sexual temptations once they began feeling sorry for themselves. Self-pity distances a person from the Lord and increases his vulnerability to the enemy’s lures. Once a person throws a pity party, he will find that he has very little strength to withstand temptation.

The next time you find yourself discouraged over some difficult situation, turn to the Lord. You will find that as you “set your mind on things above,” you will be lifted right out of the doldrums! On the other hand, if you start giving over to self-pity, beware that “sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you.”

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