Here's a paradox: If you want to enjoy tremendous freedom in Christ, then cultivate a disciplined lifestyle. In today’s episode, Steve Gallagher joins us to take a look at why discipline is part and parcel with growth as a Christian.

Do you want to know how to effectively deal with temptation? Do you ever wonder if the apostle Paul believed that marriage was the cure for sexual addiction? In this episode, Steve Gallagher and the leadership of Pure Life Ministries offer biblical answers to really common questions about sexual sin.

Austin and Josh had both tried many things to find freedom from porn addiction. But instead of getting better, things only got worse. When they came to Pure Life Ministries they were exhausted, despairing and desperate for change. And then something happened that changed everything. They fell in love with Jesus.

Sometimes the goal we set for ourselves does not fully match God's goal for us. Here's a surprising example of this: when we make freedom from sexual sin our highest goal. In today’s show, we’ll talk about why God's goal for our lives is much deeper and more wonderful than that, and why pursuing His goal for our lives is a Key Lesson on the Road to Freedom.

Resources

• Living in Victory Through the Power of Mercy (Book) By Steve Gallagher

Even after a man overcomes his addiction to sexual sin he may still be plagued with vile memories from his past. In this short interview, Steve Gallagher discusses reasons this man may still be struggling with these kinds of thoughts and the right response to them.

Host: Today we want to tackle a question that came in from a young man who had gotten himself involved in internet pornography. He is walking in freedom from viewing porn at this point, but he's wondering why as a believer he can't prevent some of those memories from coming back to him.

Steve: Well, let's take a look at the dynamic of the human mind for a second. Generally, a man grows up wired by God to be a one-woman man. The whole season of puberty during his teen years is taking him in the direction of his wedding night. So, he's going to, Lord willing, eventually get married and have that beautiful, wonderful experience of intimacy with his wife.

Host: So, there is a natural sexual desire that God wants men to have.

Steve: Yes, it's normal. God created sex and it's a beautiful thing to the Lord in its right context. It's not something that's dirty in itself. But what happens is if we get involved in something perverted like pornography then the enemy uses that to corrupt our perspective of sexuality. And so, perversions of God’s intentions for things begin to take us down a bad path.

Host: Now, we do have a fallen nature. How does that fallen nature play into this?

Steve: Well, obviously, the fallen nature is naturally prone to sinful thinking. So, when something like pornography is introduced, our sinful nature is more than willing to go after it. But it's not just a matter of that, there's also the whole element of what I would call the autopilot of our brains. Our minds are a lot like a computer. The computer can be operating all the time, but that can be a separate operation from what the user is actually typing. And that's kind of an illustration of the way our minds work. Our minds can be in auto pilot where we're not purposing to think bad thoughts, but they just kind of float on in and we find ourselves with these images that we must deal with.

Host: Well, I'm glad you shared that because I know one of the problems that guys deal with after overcoming an addiction to pornography is that they can be sitting in church and out of the blue they recall a vile memory and they weren't even trying to think of it.

Steve: When that sort of thing happens, that could very well be the enemy trying to distract the person from what is going on in that spiritual atmosphere. The enemy can come in and introduce sinful thoughts into our minds.

Host: Ok. So, sometimes it is out of our control. Maybe it's the enemy. But sometimes it can also be our own weakness in wanting to pursue those thoughts. What's the answer to the problem?

Steve: Well, really the overall answer is to change our thinking. God has left us with the resource to do that and it is the Word of God. If a guy will spend quality time every morning in the Word of God, and I'm talking about at least a half an hour meditating on and studying the Word, it has the power to wash our minds of filthy thinking and to cleanse out our memories over time. And it has the power to introduce a new mindset. The Word of God is God's thinking. It holds His perspectives on life and the more time we spend in it, the more we're going to take on His perspectives. And so, it doesn't happen overnight. But like I've said many times, if you don't want to be thinking the same way you are now six months from now, then you better start getting into the Word of God daily.

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Host: The verse that comes to my mind is Romans 12:2 that tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. And how important it is for these folks to understand that there is more to it than just stopping bad behavior. That of course is critical, but when it comes to actually changing our hearts and changing our minds, it is the Word of God that the Holy Spirit uses to do that.

Steve: Yeah. I mean, let's face it. The images that we've introduced into our minds don't just go away. When we quit looking at pornography, there's still that lingering effect. But the Word of God has the power to cleanse that away.

Host: And it's your experience after nearly 40 years of dealing with guys in your own life that as you establish a devotional life in the Word of God and in prayer then those memories will fade over time.

Steve: Yes. Absolutely.

Real freedom isn't just about protecting our hearts from a lustful spirit, it's about yielding to a completely different kind of spirit—a loving, giving, spirit of mercy. In today’s show, we’ll talk about why learning to get in the flow of God’s mercy is absolutely critical for going all the way into a life of victory, and we’ll also give you some practical things that will help you foster that spirit of mercy.

Resources

• At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry (Book) By Steve Gallagher
• Living in Victory Through the Power of Mercy (Book) By Steve Gallagher

Part 2: As Greg drove on to the Pure Life Ministries' Residential campus, he experienced a hope that he hadn't felt in a very long time. And hope was exactly what he and Paloma needed, because sin and selfishness had ravaged their marriage. Over the next 9 months, he and Paloma would experience a transformation in their lives and in their marriage that can only be described as a miracle of God.

Resources

• Why the Residential Program Must Be Nine Months (Article) By Steve Gallagher
• Exploring the Pain a Betrayed Wife Experiences (Article) By Kathy Gallagher

Part 1: In 2020, life had never been worse for Greg and Paloma. Greg had been addicted to porn for over two decades and had lost all hope of being free. One day, he decided to give himself over to his fantasies and pay for sex. When Greg’s sin came to light, Paloma was absolutely crushed. Their marriage…was over. At least, that’s what they both thought.

Resources

• At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry (Book) by Steve Gallagher

When a husband is truly trying to overcome his sin, his wife may wonder at times whether or not he is truly changing. In this short interview from our archives, Kathy talks about how to navigate this difficult position.

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Host: Kathy. We want to talk today about a letter you received from Janet. She was facing what so many women have to face. And that is, how does she know whether or not to confront her husband when she's dealing with suspicions about him?

Kathy: That's a very touchy situation for a lot of wives because I think most women that have been through this with their husbands are suspicious. So, when do you decide to take some of those suspicions and actually deal with them? One of the things that I would say to a woman who has suspicions and is concerned that there's something going on is to first of all pray and try to get the heart and mind of God for her own life. I know for myself when I was going through this, I was so paranoid all the time that Steve was up to no good. I had already conditioned my mind to think suspiciously of him.

    So, when he started doing well, I couldn't believe he was doing well because I had carved these ruts in my mind so deeply. So, I really tried to pray and ask the Lord to help me to believe the best about my husband. There are some questions that a wife can ask herself once she has prayed through some of these things where she can try to get her own heart and mind in a neutral position, which is very hard. First she can look back at the last six months. Look at his track record. Is there some legitimate fruit of repentance in his life? Is he in the Word of God daily? Is he praying? Is he interacting with the family in a good way? Is he in fellowship with other believers? Is there a desire for the things of God? Those are really good telltale signs of where he's at and how he's doing.
      If those things are kind of weak and lacking then there may be a reason to be suspicious. But always when you confront it has to be in a spirit of gentleness and kindness. Also, I would go into it with a little bit of fear and trepidation because the one thing a wife doesn't want to do is to spew her suspicions on her husband who is trying to obey the Lord and leave him feeling defeated amidst the efforts he's making. It's very discouraging to be trying so hard and then have your wife come along and basically say, “I don't believe you and I don't trust you.”

Host: One of the things you said in your response to Janet was that a wife has to walk a fine line between trust and caution. What happens if you go too far in either direction?

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Kathy: Well, some women will stick their head in the sand and just assume everything's great because they don't want to deal with reality. And that's very detrimental to her family and her husband because she's not going to be there to help hold his feet to the fire. The opposite extreme of that is the woman who doesn't believe anything the guy says. And it's very discouraging for a man who is trying to obey the Lord to have a wife that won't cut him any slack. I would like to also say to the wives who have been through a lot with their husbands that trust takes time to build.

   I don't recommend that any woman immediately run into a place of giving superficial trust that isn’t real. If he's a week or a month out of sexual sin, I do not feel like a woman should be in a position where she is throwing the gates wide open and saying “I completely trust you.” Trust has to be earned and for the time being he has forfeited it. He has to prove his trustworthiness. That is healthy for both the husband and the wife. Trust is not something that we just offer out freely. And when I talk about being suspicious, being suspicious and not trusting are different. You can be suspicious and be thinking all kinds of things are going on that are not going on. Not trusting him is a merited reaction to bad or sinful behavior. But you don't punish that person. You've got to give it time. You've got to wait for that person to walk it out.

Host: Is it true that ultimately whatever evidence she sees, whether it shows he is doing well or not, that she still needs to leave things in God's hands?

Kathy: Yes. From beginning to end she has to leave things in God's hands, whether he's doing well or whether he's not doing well. Ultimately his change is going to come from heaven as he is willing and determined to walk a pure life. It really is between Him and God. It's not between the wife and him as much as it is between him and the Lord. If there was one thing I could get across to women, it is that this is not about you, even though you have been so devastated by his sin.
      I know what that feels like. It took me years to come to the revelation that he did not do this because of me. This is who he was before I came along. And this was definitely a thing between Him and God. So, when I began to understand that in my heart and mind, it changed the way I prayed. It changed the way I saw my husband. I didn't feel like a victim. I didn't feel like he was trying to hurt me or ruin me as a person. This was just a sin that he had harbored in his life for many, many years.

Host: Did that free you then to pray for him and be an advocate for him?

Kathy: Absolutely.

Darlene Deibler went to Indonesia to preach the gospel to cannibalistic tribes. But when war broke out, she found herself plunged into the horrors of a WWII prisoner-of-war camp. And yet, Darlene would spend the rest of her life telling about a God whose comfort outshined her sufferings, whose presence was more precious than her losses, and whose loving provision was as faithful as the morning sun.

Resources

• Evidence Not Seen: A Woman's Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II (Book) By Darlene Deibler Rose

All believers must face a life-long battle against their fallen natures. These battles can be very different based on our personalities, our likes, dislikes and the sins of our past. So in this discussion, 3 of our staff sit down and share about their journeys in the Christian life and the battles they have faced along the way.

Resources

This series is based on the book Intoxicated with Babylon: The Seduction of God’s People in the Last Days by Steve Gallagher. You can find out more about that book by visiting our bookstore.

What are the most common issues a husband and wife deal with when reconciling after sexual sin? Jeff and Rose Colón share their thoughts in this interview.

Mike: Jeff and Rose. As we focus on couples today, I'd like to discuss a scenario where a man is in our Residential Program and his wife is going through the Wives Program at home. What kind of issues do these couples deal with as they come together and go through this experience?

Jeff: Typically, what we see is this couple having a hard time bearing one another through the different kinds of issues that they'll be dealing with as they go through their programs. And what I've seen with a husband a lot of times is that he is looking at everything he has sacrificed to come into the program. He is focused on everything that he has given up in order to get his life in order after he's been in sin for maybe 30 years. And now that he's been in the program for four weeks or so, he expects his wife to just come around and forgive him. He wants her to move on from the hurt he has caused her, and he thinks that she needs to start patting him on the back for doing well now.

Mike: And Rose, how is the wife looking at the current situation? Obviously, she's seeing it from a different perspective.

Rose: Usually for the wife, when the husband comes into the program, whether it's the Residential Program or the Overcomers At-Home Program, has certain expectations for her husband as far as him changing into a totally different person. And if she sees any sign of his old nature coming up, it sends her into a panic. And for her, she may wonder if her husband is really changing because she still sees remnants of his old nature. So, she may start to wonder if her expectations for him to change are realistic or not.

Mike: Ok. So Jeff, how do you begin to deal with this man? I mean I guess what you describes is fairly typical of how guys are. We deal with an issue as we see it come up and then we move on and we don't think about it again. How do you begin to help a man to see his wife's perspective? Or what is the real issue that you have to deal with there?

Jeff: The real issue is self-pity. He's feeling sorry for himself and he's looking for a little bit of recognition from his wife to make him feel better. What I try to help him understand is that he needs to be in sight of the mercy that God has had on him in the fact that he didn't die out there in his sin. He needs to see that it's the mercy of God that he's even in the program and he needs to have a grateful heart. And with that he also needs to understand that he must bear his wife through what she needs to go through. And if she has a hard time, maybe she doesn't speak nicely to him on the telephone, he needs to bear with her through that and be a little more understanding of what she's going through instead of focusing on how everything is affecting him.

Mike: I guess a lot of times for these guys, they may have been dealing with whatever the sin issue is for many years and this may just have been a sudden thing for the wife. And so, you can understand how she may not be as quick to forgive or quick to move on. Rose, what's the real issue you're dealing with when it comes to the wife?

Rose: Well, a lot of times the wife is too focused on the husband and how he's not changing. And we really want her to get focused on the Lord and we want to encourage her that her husband's a work in progress just like she is. Sanctification is a process and it takes time for the Lord to change different attitudes in our hearts and our behavior as well. So, I would try to encourage her to get her eyes on the Lord and look to Him. I would also have her write down some things that she does see that are different in her husband and not be so focused on what she still sees is wrong with him. She needs to see what God is doing in her husband's life and encourage him in that way.

Jeff: That reminds me of what I told a husband to do recently that really goes along with what Rose is saying. I encouraged him to make a list and write down the things that he's grateful for about his wife. I told him was that he should be grateful that she's talking to him after 30 years of deceiving her and sinning against her. I told him that he should be able to come up with 50 things to be grateful for about his wife. The bottom line was that I told him he needs to get the focus off himself and how he is feeling and how maybe he’s not getting treated the way he would like. I told him instead that he needs to be focused on his wife’s needs and he needs to be praying for her and caring for her. And ultimately, he should be thanking God and he should be having a heart of gratitude for his wife.

Mike: Well, it sounds to me like the common thing I hear from both of you, whether you're dealing with the husband or the wife is that they need to bear one another. For both of them, much of the solution involves getting their eyes off of themselves and looking to meet the needs of others. So, this would be something we could all apply to our lives whether we are married or not. How many relationships would be transformed overnight if we would just bear with one another.