Self-Control Doesn’t Come from Ourselves (Part 1)
A couple of months ago we recorded a series of podcasts entitled, "Key Lessons on the Road to Freedom." In this portion of an interview that comes from episode 4 of that series, Ed Buch explains the difference between self-effort, which has no power to give someone real victory, and self-control, a fruit of the Spirit that will bring real freedom. We can often confuse the two when trying to avoid harmful and addictive behaviors. But true self-control that can withstand temptation can only come from God. (from Podcast Episode #512 - Fight in God's Strength)
Nate: I think that anybody who's lived with any kind of life controlling behavior is going to agree that a big part of them finding freedom was learning how to control themselves. And probably anybody, no matter how they're approaching the idea of addiction is going to say that self-control is a big part of overcoming the problem, right? Even if they totally disagree with us about the spiritual roots being pride and selfishness, they're still going to say, “man, these people need to learn how to control themselves.” That's where I want to start today, and I just want to throw this out there. You have been in the counseling office with a lot of people and I'm sure that many of them have said, “I've tried, and I just don't know how to stop doing these things.” So, what do you think is the most common reason that these men have not learned to control themselves?
Ed: Well, the first thing I think that we need to understand is that self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. That’s the kind of self-control at least that Pure Life is talking about. And that’s what will really withstand times of temptation. That is a character quality that only the Lord can produce in a person's life. So, to be perfectly honest, I would say that the reason so many of the men that we get in our counseling programs have lacked that self-control is really because they either have no genuine relationship with the Lord at all, or they have had such a shallow relationship or a backsliding relationship with the Lord that self-control has never come into maturity in their life. And so, the experience that they end up having is a cycle of repeated failure. They throw themselves into fighting out of addiction with all their strength, all their might and all their self-effort. And that repeated failure from trying to exercise self-control in their own strength just leads them to give up, and in a sense, failure itself has convinced them that they can't do it.
I will say this too because I think there's probably something else involved for many people. Our default responses to sin are classic defense mechanisms. We deny it, we minimize it, we justify it, we hide it, or we shift blame for it. But in every case, whichever one of those mechanisms might be in play, a person is essentially denying the sinfulness of their sin. As long as our response to sin is to deny its sinfulness, we'll find that self-control remains very elusive. We are not really going to try very hard to overcome it if it's not such a big deal to us. And the bottom line then becomes that we have no control over it because we're still pretty much in love with it. We are at least in love with the pleasure aspect of it.
<pull-quote>As long as our response to sin is to deny its sinfulness, we'll find that self-control remains very elusive.<pull-quote><tweet-link>TweetThis<tweet-link>
Nate: Yeah, I think that's really good to bring to the forefront because essentially if a person has genuinely repented, then they have done the opposite of what you've just said. They finally have really taken this to heart, and they've owned the seriousness of it and said, “I'm wrong. This is all me.” Once they do that they can actually move into the place where they have access to the fruit of the spirit.
Ed: That's right. And they're crying out for help and then they'll find the help that they need.
Nate: Yea. So, how often have you found that a person who's sitting across the desk from you, one of the reasons that they don't have that self-control is because they just want to pick and choose what areas they want to be controlled in and what areas they don't want to be controlled in.
Ed: My first thought when I hear you say that is that that happens when I'm sitting alone in my office, because we all tend to do that. It's our default response to sort of pick and choose the areas where we're willing to be disciplined. And then we have those areas where we honestly would prefer that God would just leave us alone about. So, for me, the core issue is surrendering to the Lord and that is a pretty universal problem. Practically everyone we counsel is having a major difficulty with this issue. We don't immediately want to surrender our whole life to the Lord, nor do we want to fully surrender our will to the Lord. So, we often try to negotiate our terms of surrender. And in many cases, as I kind of alluded to a moment ago, I think it's because we aren't ready and willing to give up certain activities or pleasures that we're indulging in.
<pull-quote>We may want God to absolve us from guilt or fix any of the damaging consequences, but we really don't want to do things His way.<pull-quote><tweet-link>TweetThis<tweet-link>
We love freedom and we just aren't willing to let go of what we think is our freedom or our right to do as we please. We may want God to absolve us from guilt or fix any of the damaging consequences, but we really don't want to do things His way. I once heard an expression that kind of sums up the mindset of most people and it was something like, “Until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change, you won't change.” We won't go through the difficult and painful process of change until it's actually more painful for us to resist that change.
That's the kind of thinking that many of us can be in. And even the Bible acknowledges that sin is pleasurable for a season, but eventually that season ends. So, it's like what we read in Romans 1. The Lord often has to give us over to the consequences of our sinful choices and let that pleasurable season run its course until we realize that those sinful behaviors are just not worth it anymore to us. And of course, in that process of being given over like that, we've gotten further and further away from the Lord. We’ve gotten more immersed in the kingdom of darkness and have heaped many more damaging consequences than we even realized, and we've made the process of changing our behavior much more difficult and painful than it needed to be.
