Focus on Couples: Role Reversal

When God made Adam and Eve in His image, He gave them different character qualities and assigned them various responsibilities in the marriage. But sexual sin brings disorder and chaos to the God-given order of things: husbands ignore their role, leaving wives with the feeling that if she doesn’t lead, no one will. So what happens when a husband repents and wants to begin to lead his family spiritually? We brought in pastor Jeff and Rose colon to help address some of the challenges in this situation. (From Podcast Episode #2117 - Why Won't He Just Stop?)

Mike: Jeff and Rose Colon have joined us in the studio for our Focus on Couples segment today. We're going to be talking about role reversal. Jeff, what do see in a couple that's dealing with this issue?

Jeff: Well Mike, what we see a lot of times in couples that are coming out of sexual sin struggles is that the husband hasn’t been the priest of the home as God ordained him to be. A lot of the time the wife has had to take that role, because the husband has been in his sin and has not been where he needed to be at spiritually. But God has ordained the husband to be the head over his wife. It's clear in Scripture, and the husband really must take it seriously.

Mike: Now what does that mean, because I know there's a lot of confusion around that topic. There's probably a lot of bad counsel going on out there about what it means for the husband to be in authority in the relationship. What is the biblical position on his role?

Jeff: What I like to point out to men is that we're to be the head of our wife just as Christ is the head of His Church. That's the pattern we're given. Christ, as of the Church, literally gave Himself for her. So it really becomes an issue of giving. It becomes an issue of laying my life down for her. It's not the role of a dictator who’s just lording over someone. Jesus led us by washing our feet. He became a servant even though He is Lord. And a husband needs to approach it in the same way. He's to serve his wife spiritually. He's to care for her, he's to be her covering.

Mike: Rose what does this look like from the wife's perspective?

Rose: What we've seen with the wives is that she's been holding the reins while the husband's been in his sin. So, she's been kind of the priest of the home. But once he's gone through our program and the Lord is helping the husband to walk out his repentance, he's learning how to now take that position. And for her, she's got to know how to let go of the reins and trust God to lead her husband. A lot of times the wife will say: "Well, my husband wasn't responsible before, so how do I know he's going to be the priest of the home that God's calling him to be?" It becomes an area of trust for them, as far as them praying for the husband and trusting that the Lord's going to give the husband what he needs to lead that family.

Mike: What is the wife's role? How does she best help the husband to take his leadership responsibility?

Rose: Prayer. Always starting with prayer. Praying for her husband. Trusting that, especially if her husband is seeking the Lord, that the Lord is really going to lead and direct Him. Now let's say she's doing that, and he comes back, and he shares what he feels God is wanting them to do. She might feel in heart, "Well I don't really believe this is God's will." Well, she has to learn how to let him go with it and just continue to pray. And if it wasn't the Lord's will, trust that the Lord's going to use it for both of them. He’ll use it to show them something about themselves, or maybe something about their relationship with the Lord.  

Mike: Jeff, I know that you and Rose have dealt with this issue in your own marriage situation. Can you tell us a little bit about how you worked through this?

Jeff: Sure Mike. I remember when I began to take my role in the house. I couldn't just jump in the wagon, rip the reins out of her hands and say, "Okay, I'm in charge now." I had to be sensitive to what I had created in my wife through my sin and through the years of lying and deception. I had to do it gently and with understanding. I needed to love her as Christ loves us. Jesus understands what we can handle. And He takes us along at pace that we can handle. He doesn't just throw everything on us all at once. We need to keep that in mind when we are taking that role once again in our home. As the wife starts seeing your life and you seeking the Lord, and you wanting to do the right thing, she's going to want to submit to you. It's not going to be something that's forced on her.

Mike: How do you deal with the mindset in many women, I think, that as she's submissive to her husband she's nothing but a doormat?

Jeff: I would just say to her that being submissive doesn't make you a doormat. It doesn't make you less important or insignificant in the marriage. Really to the contrary, a submissive wife is a value and an asset to her husband. I mean, I value my wife's opinions. And I allow her to fulfill her role as my helpmate. God created her to be my helpmate. And so, I don't see her as less significant than myself because God doesn't see us in that way.

Mike: How important is this in the scope of things to be dealt with?

Jeff: God is very clear about this issue in Scripture. If a husband isn't obeying the words of God and taking his proper role, and a wife isn't obeying and taking her proper role, they're in rebellion towards God. That's very serious.

Mike: So not only is there going to be a problem in the marriage, but there's going to be a problem for both of them individually in their personal relationships with God.‍

Jeff: Absolutely, and God's not going to be able to bring about what He needs to bring about in the marriage if they're not fulfilling their roles in the way that God designed it.