The Christmas that God Saved My Life

8 years ago, right around this time of year, I was sitting in one of my final counseling sessions, preparing to graduate from the Pure Life Ministries Residential Program. The next thing I knew, I was crying my eyes out, and confessing things about myself that I wasn’t even aware of. To this day, I don’t remember how it started. But God saved my life that night.

In April of 2008, nearly 8 months prior to this, I had driven onto the campus of Pure Life Ministries a hollowed-out shell of a man. Despite having some kind of a religious experience when I was 15, it had been a long time since I had walked in the pathways of God.

I certainly had high expectations for the program. And, on the one hand, I was probably a model student. My chores were always finished on time and I put my heart and soul into the homework. I got along with the other students and tried to work hard while on the job.

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But on the other hand, I was deeply troubled. God had been opening my eyes to see the reality of my life, and I was horrified. First, there was the stark truth that I had taken advantage of multiple girlfriends and committed heart adultery with thousands of porn stars. But I was far more deeply disturbed by the discovery that my life bore almost no resemblance to the Bible’s depiction of a true believer.

Far from having a life full of the Spirit’s fruit, I was a gaping hole. I was plagued by unbelief, cynicism, fear, self-centeredness, and on and on.

Desperation began to grip me. For months I agonized over my condition, but I couldn’t seem to find any way to improve it. No matter how many times I prayed, there didn’t seem to be Anyone listening at the other end. I sought refuge in the Scripture, but my Bible seemed only to contain Scriptures that condemned wicked men. Men just like me.

Despite the agony, I persisted in seeking God, knowing that He was my only hope. I didn’t know if He would have me, but I knew that must I find Him, or die trying.

At some point along the line, things began to improve to some degree. I wasn’t as hopeless. Cynicism wasn’t as deeply-rooted. My thought life was improving. I was even fighting against the temptations of sexual sin, and winning.

Then, 3 weeks before graduating from the program, I accepted a challenge. Pray Psalm 139:23-24 each day until God answers. "Search me," I prayed. "Try me. Test me and know my anxious thoughts, and see if there's any wicked way in me, and lead me in the Everlasting way."

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For a couple of weeks or so I prayed this every day. Nothing much happened, but then again, I wasn’t really sure what to expect. Maybe that’s why I was so shocked when God answered.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I was sitting in one of my final counseling sessions before graduating the Pure Life Ministries Residential program. Suddenly, words came rushing out of me. I began to break, as I confessed things to my counselor that I hadn’t even consciously thought of before.

“I desperately want to be different,” I told him, “but I am not sure that I actually am different. I see Jesus in so many of the guys around here, but I don’t think I know Him the way I should. I’m afraid that if I graduate next week, I will go right back to my sin.”

I will never forget the look on my counselor's face when I finally looked up. He was obviously as shocked as I was.

The next day he told me that they had decided to extend my graduation for as long as four months. That was fine by me, because I really wanted something to change in my life.

Two weeks later, on New Year’s Eve, 2008, I left the chapel after a Friday teaching video. It was a frigid December night, beautiful and perfectly still. Under a full moon I walked to the old rugged cross that stands near the campus, and I knelt and began to speak to God.

It was simple, desperate, and from my heart. I had spent nearly 8 months here, and what to show for it? I still wasn’t sure I knew God. But then He spoke. And what He said changed my life. Looking back at that exchange, I realize now that it wasn’t the content of the conversation that was so profound, but that Life Himself was speaking to me.

When I awoke the next morning, I knew that God had come to me. And as I reflect on these past 8 years, I know that He has never left.

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